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Saturday, January 30, 2010

Testing 1.2.3

There is space but there is not one in it.  There is room but it is unoccupied.  The moon is full and gives light but you can't see what is ahead of you.  Loneliness in the darkness.  A subtle glance. I catch you. I look away and I feel your eyes on me. Imagination works its wonder. Memory of a kiss and kiss pull away.  The words are on paper only. Feelings are internal and kept to yourself.  You speak and I want you inside me.  You look at me and I want to be lost in you forever.  There is an open door but you still knock.  You walk in and look around. Searching the room for me.  It spins, it tango's, it mixes drinks.  A picture is taken, a demo recorded and the laughter fills the air.  The drum you play is the heart.  The words you sing the soul.  You keep moving.  You're confusing. The linear righteousness has vanished. You're famished.  You don't ask. You don't speak. You don't know. you don't hear. You don't need. You don't want. You're horizontal but you look down. You're vertical but you see behind you and I am no where to be found.  Lights flicker, candles lit. No breath to blow out. Sulphur fills the air and a cough is heard.  Footsteps on the wooden floor and they approach.  But they don't.  It's just a tapping.  Misconceptions. Sony sound. Rewind and do a playback please. I missed it.  Digital enhancements. It's about qualitative kisses. It always comes back to kisses.  So give notice. Seven days in advance.  The flash is on but there is no film. That radio plays no music. The only sounds that you can hear are the warnings.  Because this is only a test.  This is only a test.

© 2010

Friday, January 29, 2010

Follow Your Heart

It has been said on occasion that we must find out for ourselves what it is we wish to do and then to take the necessary steps to fulfill it.  And yet so many are caught up in a race they can't get out of. They forget about the childhood dreams, they forget about the very things that could easily make them smile.
"follow your heart" "don't give up" "work hard" "keep smiling" "live life to the fullest"
These weren't things that I heard by ear.  There is no recollection that anyone had any confidence that I would find my calling.  Perhaps they thought I wouldn't bother looking. They were right. I wouldn't bother looking.  Because something as beautiful as our dreams takes searching.
"be humble" "open your mind" "free the spirit" "be truthful" "live your life in the moment"
I don't believe these things were said in the true essence of the word.  They were believed in, felt, tasted and kept away from anyone and everyone who would dare to disrespect the love for their own lack of understanding.  A lack of understanding of what it means to truly want something unconditionally.  To be open to the words you read, the phrases you speak, or the passions you hold dear to your heart.  To be ready to accept.  No judging. No second guessing.
"never look back" "move forward" "have respect" "there is no just or only"
I have found my calling and that calling is me.  This me in the moment. This me doing whatever it is I am doing. Embracing the life that has reached out to me.
Be blissful now, for if you are not happy with what you have, what makes you think you will be happy with more? Things come and go.  People come and go.  Time comes and goes. It all passes through us like energy.  Passes by us like last years fashions. Life is ephemeral so live each day as if it were your last. Accept the inevitable Change. Do your best knowing that your best will change. Be the greatest you and share this you with the world.  Have respect for what you believe in. Let it be bigger than you and then hold on and let it take you for the ride of your life.  Let your life be your biggest encore. Like Mr. Magorium says, "Life is an extravaganza, so rise to the occasion".
Call it what you will. A poem, An event, A symphony, An Act... When you live your life as you were meant to be living it, the joy, the laughter, the tears, the shortcomings, the accomplishments, this my friend is no act.

Who are you going to be?

© 2010

Thursday, January 28, 2010


A leap of faith and I join you in an epic adventure.  An autonomous decree that if I miss, the stars will catch me.  I become one with you and the world is an illumination.  Me the shadow dancer being beckoned to embrace the splendor.  The flight of an angel. Protected from the fears of adolescence.  Guided through clouds of promises. Gratitude holds us high. Traveling the summit of our consciousness.  Only the inner wonderment of a child shall find us airborne.  Defying gravity. Immersed in the blue moon. The beauty of natures charms open their arms to us.  Below the grass green and untouched. I can smell the flowers and I bask in their ability to wear their Sunday best. Not a wrinkle in their stems or a pedal out of place on their heads. The light breeze sings for them, as they dance for me.  My leap of joy. I believe. The awareness has made me one with the energy fields around me and so I ascend in harmony. I am set free. I shall rise to the occasion. Choose life. An answered prayer, a silent lullaby, a dream come true. Help me stay on course. Help me to live like a butterfly. Help me glide. Help me love. Help me belong. Help me trust. Help me keep my promise.

© 2010

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


Since I have been to the page last I have worked long 16 hour prep days, celebrated my birthday and have shot a two day commercial for Reebok.  In the passing of time my puppy has grown taller, the rain has come and gone and I find myself looking forward to what tomorrow holds.

In the past week I have come to realize that when I don't write I miss it.  It has become a friend to me. A confidante. A place to call home.  The one constant in my life that has never betrayed me, or left my side, or didn't embrace me when I was crying.  For me the words come and the world fades aways and purity finds me willingly. 

Tonight I honor the words that have seen me through my darkest hours, lifted me out hopelessness and encouraged me to become the woman that I am today.

Words are powerful and can invoke change, love, laughter, and integrity. Words can change a persons life forever. 

They come from many sources.  A billboard that left me laughing, a poem that left me breathless, a Daily OM that made me sigh, or an email from the Universe that was exactly what I needed to hear.  From the many books that became my mentors or an affirmation that I carry in my pocket. No matter where they came from, or how I heard them, it still stands that... thoughts become things...

Be as good as your word, dream big, make a wish, live each day as if it were your last, treat your body as your temple, do unto other as you would have done unto you, your most vital commitment is your commitment to yourself, and the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful then the risk it took to blossom, All our words are but crumbs that fall down from the feast of the mind, Being is the great explainer, don't go to sleep angry, when you find what you love follow it with all your heart, acknowledge your personal growth, the world will give you what you ask of it, so ask wisely, don't sweat the small stuff, everything I ever needed to know I learned in kindergarten, home is where the heart is, choose love, you don't lack a single thing, be beautiful, live up to your true potential, a house with no curtains has nothing to hide, be compassionate, experience empathy, listen more than you speak, love is confession so today come out with our truth, it only takes one second in time, one friend, one leap of faith, to change everything forever, if you leap the net will appear, just surrender, just be, expect the unexpected, accepting full responsibility for every little thing in your life, is what opens the floodgates to joy and power,choose happiness...

Today give a compliment to a stranger, a friend, and yourself... come on... spread the word.

© 2010

Friday, January 22, 2010

Never Falter

More rain.  Another late night.  And sharing a past epiphany.

River skies and ancient waters, a moon drip shadow never falters, loves lost are memory gains, a willful heart and stormy rains, all is young in timely innocence, a playful grin of effervescence, remember the laughter and me, feel the love and be free..

© 2010

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Something Old

Since I am still at work and it's almost 10:00pm I must share something old so I have decided in honor of the rain and the hour and my exhaustion to share something fun, and something a little sexy... from a hopeless romantic to the rain falls around you... 

Hopeless Romantic...
Just when you least expect it an angel comes and takes your breath away.  It’s a crescent moon and your legs dangle lazily over the side.  It’s easy and it makes you smile.  It gives you something to think about, something to look forward to and you are left to say “yay” because all other words have failed you.  Your eyes sparkle and your heart sings and all you can do is give yourself over to this persons arms.   A shared intrigue like a childish crush and you are left breathless.  It’s all in the eyes and your lost in theirs.  Happy.  Fearless.  Embracing how moved this person is and it makes it so sexy.   So empowering.  This person is so beautiful, so absolutely gorgeous and wonderful on the inside and out.  The words that leave the lips of your loved one flow freely in your direction.  Together you are so unafraid to feel and so open to the chemistry that is so evident between you.  It is undeniable and carefree.  A love that embraces the carefree wonderment of a child… with shared experiences that give you a bond and a history that gives you comfort.  Two people with like minds and you can’t kiss enough.  The kiss is like the velvet -rope of the underground.  Only this person can have entry to you.  You see the way each other see’s and you dream in the same colors.  Your imagination could be one and it’s invigorating.   The possibilities are captivating.  That face.  Those eyes.  Such an amazing smile.   There is someone for everyone.   You must believe and visualize your dreams and know undeniably that you are also someone’s dream come true.   

The Rain Falls...
Sexy is what sexy does and the rain falls around you.  the occasional glimmer of a thought, of a memory, of a dance, of a kiss, of a laugh, of a moment of eye contact and no one looked away.  a dream sequence you frequent, a propensity for laughing.  luscious proclivities toward passion and a smile finds me.  glittering eyes stimulated by the effervescent intrigues of the unknown.  can you picture it?  green eyes lit by starlight.  sparkling for you.  anything is possible.  demurely I wait.. for you to come for me, to touch me, to place me, to dance with me, all while you kiss me and I let you. sexy is what sexy does and the rain falls around me.

© 2010

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

True Colors

I have always prided myself on the strength of the shields I have built around me.  I mean let’s face it.  After everything I have been through, how could I not wear a “you can’t reach me; I can’t hear you and nothing can hurt me now, suit of armor”?  I thought it would keep me safe.  I was protecting myself from the world.  I trusted no one.

But essentially, I was closing myself off from the possibilities of change, of growth and of spirit.   I wasn’t protecting myself from the world.  I was shutting it out.  I was in denial but optimistic.   I was going around in circles.

I’ve done things to hurt people and I have been hurt by others.  Some of the friendships I have had I have had for forever while others come and go like the cross-town bus.  Maybe that means we learned the lesson.  Or maybe it means we failed the test.  Maybe it means they did.  Everyone is on a path and we meet up on different parts of the journey.  Sometimes we are not on the same parts of our path and we must go separate ways.  These friendships evaporate back into the earth like the mist in early morning.   Bless them and let them go. 

But some relationships you have to work a little harder at.  Be a little more understanding with.  Those are the relationships we don’t choose.  Our family.  I was angry for a long time.  I was blinded by it.  I didn’t even know who I was angry at anymore.  How could someone be an avid positive thinker and preach unconditional love when the underlying anger and blame was hovering just below the surface like a piranha?  

I continue to push people away.  It’s easier this way.   But I am not learning anything from it and quite frankly, it makes me the hypocrite I blamed my family of being.  It’s the people that challenge us the most that teach us the priceless lessons about our denials, our truths, and ourselves.  I’m ready to learn.

My most valuable lessons of late are coming from my sister.  We are really close in age but because of family circumstance, we didn’t really grow up together.  When we were way younger we were really close but the odds were against us and now, having lived very different lives, we are two of the most different people I know.  Night and day really.  But we have decided to break the pattern and give it a conscious effort of discovery, respect and rehabiliation.  So far so good. 

We had words the other day over something I wrote in my book.  I was more than willing to walk away and my life wouldn’t change.  It wouldn’t be any different than the on again off again last 20 years of my life.  But I saw through my stubbornness and decided to heed my own advise.  I changed the paragraph (a big step for me) and I made a different kind of choice.  After all if I am going to write about forgiveness and unconditional love how could I turn my back on the one person that teaches me the most about my buttons. 

I picked up the phone and dialed her number.  I told her I changed the paragraph and I apologized for making her so upset.  I meant it.  It felt good.  And by the end of the call we were both laughing and we both felt so much better.  Shortly thereafter I received this email…

“I just wish we could really start over. That means totally forgetting the past and starting new. It's easier said than done. Love is a Decision. We decide to love unconditionally and after a while it will happen naturally.

That means not reacting to me because of what I've done in the past. That means REALLY wiping the slate clean.  You have hurt me too in the past.  We can throw stones back and forth but what good does that do? In the end we just end up battered and bruised.

If you are telling me something I don't agree with then I need to listen anyway. I want the same from you. No more hanging up on each other and saying "leave me alone".  We need to treat each other with mutual respect. We need to finally brake the cycles of our past. And God knows I have tried, and am trying to do that in my life. I am NOT the same person I was before. I've come a long way. I hope you can see that.

No real relationship is without conflict. It's part of life. It's how we handle the conflict that shows how wise we really are.  It's easy to be cool, calm and collected when things go our way.  But it's when they come against us that we show our "true colors", what's really in our hearts.  I don't know about you, but I'm tired of my true colors being black and I've been working hard to change that”.

While, we can’t start over and we can’t wipe the slate clean, we can move forward in humility, respect & love.  If we start here and work through the differences, the lessons will reveal themselves.  We have always been in constant arbitration, her and I.   How could we not be?   What I choose to have now, for myself, my friendships and with the one person of family I have left is a future.  A colorful future. 

So inspired by the wise words of my older sister, I leave you with one question.  What color are you?

© 2010

Monday, January 18, 2010

a very short story

The weather couldn’t be more perfect.   A wonderful seventy-six degrees with no humidity and the bluest of skies.  Above me were some big fluffy clouds that my mother always referred to as “mash pa-de-da’s”.   All around me, the scent in the air is unmistakable, the first day of spring in New York City.  Like the smell of morning the day after it rains. 

There are people everywhere.  A woman picks up after her little Yorkshire Terrier as a delivery boy whizzes by on his bike.   The UPS guy is whistling to himself loading the day’s deliveries as a Taxi screeches to a halt to fetch a very handsome man in an expensive suit who announces in a British accent, “JFK please” and shuts the door behind him.

As my navy blue Mary Jane’s reach the curb, I sense something familiar.   I do a three-sixty on my heels sending my skirt into a Frisbee like Marilyn Monroe.  Scanning all around me, aside from the guy that thinks I am checking him out and winks at me, nothing is out of the ordinary. 

Taking the last bite of my Carvel soft vanilla ice cream cone, I wipe my mouth, throw out the napkin and look up as the UPS truck pulls away and I see my father across the street.  My stomach flips, my heart soars and I break out into a run through on coming traffic.  With my hand flaying in the air calling out to him,  “Dad wait. Dad”.   A car comes too close to hitting me. 

He slams on his breaks and I slam my hands onto the front of the car, apologizing profusely.  I look up, regaining my composure, past the driver to see my father disappear around the corner and away from me as the alarm sounds and it's time to get up and start my day.  

© 2010

Saturday, January 16, 2010

The Pendulum Swing

Have you ever felt like your life has become a rollercoaster and you couldn’t get off when you knew you should or when you really wanted to?  What about that feeling you get when your proverbial equilibrium is off and you can’t find your footing?  How do we keep our life from oscillating between one extreme and another?  How do we slow our internal clock so we can hear the pendulums chimes?  Can we embody the knowledge that comes from our first instinct, or a simple coincidence or even the ironic situations that arise?

In the short story “The Pit and the Pendulum” by Edgar Allan Poe, the narrator is held prisoner in a dark cell.  In his attempt to discern how big his cell is he uses the hem of his shirt.  While he is counting his steps he trips on the hem of his shirt.  He realizes that if he had not tripped on the hem of his shirt he would have fallen into a deep dark pit of water in the middle of his cell.

These moments are always available to us.  They want to help us.  They want us to find them and embrace them.  But most of the time we are moving way too fast, or not paying attention because we are worried about some thing or the other and in the hole we go.

The moments that keep us standing on our own two feet, when we acknowledge them, are what I have come to embrace as, “evidence that I am cared for”.  Proof that I am on my right path and encouragement to stay steadfast on my journey.  If we slow down and listen to our life we can keep ourselves out of the deep dark hole that threatens to consume us sometimes.
Have you ever woken up late (yes I know we have all been there) and completely freaked out.   Rushing around, knocking things over and hastily ran out your front door only to break a shoe, or your car won’t start?   As you hang up with your boss, letting him know you are going to be really late, you say to yourself, “Shit, it’s going to be one of those days”.   Well guess what? You’re right.  It is going to be one of those days because you have fed into the energy on a much lower vibrational level than you are supposed to be living on.

If when you first wake up, and you see that you are late, you stay put, take a deep breath and accept that you have overslept then you have created an anti-ironic turn of events that will keep your day running smoothly.  You can avoid the “It’s going to be one those days” moments because you have stayed above the low vibrational level by your mere acceptance.   I mean, hypothetically speaking, what if you waking up late actually kept you from being a part of a five-car pile up on the route you would take to work?  Aren’t you glad you overslept?  Interesting way to look at it, right?  Irony can be a powerful thing but it can also be controlled if we don’t give in to its power.

My life has always been a constant rollercoaster and sometimes exasperatingly so.  I fed into the moments. I was quick to react and go against the tides of information that were trying to reach me. I was impatient and I sure as hell wasn’t listening.  My ride has been bumpy and extreme but I try to find answers in everything. 

Believe it or not I actually find answers in the old adages.  I try to remember them so I can remind myself to slow down and heed their advise.  Maybe our ancestors were on to something. Words and actions have a lot of power.  Our own power of intention can change our lives.

For instance, I have always said that I am the luckiest unlucky person on the planet.  Well guess what?  I was just that.  Either something great would happen and then something bad would come and wash it away or something bad would happen and the good would come and overshadow the bad or get me out of a jam or pickle or whatever. 

I finally realized (sometimes I need a house to fall on my head) how powerful my words and actions are to the Universe.  I also think words and intentions are equally as powerful as actions.  So as you can imagine, now I leave out the “unlucky” part in my sentence and only refer to myself as a very lucky person. 

I know when I am on my right path because everything in my life lines up perfectly.  It’s like walking the yellow brick road and never tripping over an obstacle.  But life gets in the way sometimes, or I get in my own way.  I have been riding the pendulum swing and I didn’t even realize it until one of my friends mentioned it to me during one of my wallowing spurts.  Last year I had a long dry spell at work.  It was devastating but humbling and taught me a lot about myself, my industry and my personal rollercoaster. 

Our days are like the stock market, everything that goes up must come down and what is already down has no choice but to go up (Thank God).   My task at hand is to balance out my pendulum so while I will always swing I won’t be swinging between devastation and success but I will move back and forth in balance between levels of success, love & spirit

The Pendulum

Riding the pendulum like a crescent moon
I find the faith in what must be coming soon
I push forward like a swing and don’t hold back
The gravity comes for me and I don’t react
Just ride the wave of this vibrational level
An uplifting monument to the road less traveled
Thankful for times shared and lessons learned
Live with integrity leave no stone unturned
It has simply become my own narration
An exercise of will and a worldly translation
A language that speaks to all of us
Truthful in nature and one we all possess
Open your heart to the innocence of
The beauty in sharing unconditional love

© 2010

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Experiment - Undo Monkey See Monkey Do

Life is about planning.  Planning for our freedom and our future. Rewriting our histories and taking control of our universal deck of cards.  This experiment will be different for everyone.   For me.  I am going to focus on my current biggest struggle.  A healthy long lasting relationship.  For you? Well, it will be whatever you need it to be.
What if it is possible that we pick up on the energy around us before we are born? I have spent my life knowing that my mother was not capable of having a relationship with me. I in turn got involved with men that were emotionally unavailable. And this whole time I have looked back on my life and wondered about these relationships. In my search for the answers I have had many interesting epiphanies.
Years ago I did a retreat called the Hoffman Quadrinity Process.  It really helped me make leaps and bounds on my road to abusive recovery.   One of the exercises we had to complete was to take stock of the patterns we were expressing and figure out where they came from. 
This exercise helped me come to terms with my unhealthy relationship with my patterns.  Awareness is a great starting point for mending the connections and replacing the patterns with healthy habits.
Have you ever done something and afterwards thought, “What the hell was I thinking?” I am sure we have all had these moments and more than once in our lifetime. I call these the “puzzling things I do” moments.
Let’s make a list of these. We are going to call these moments “the patterns” and these are the patterns that we acquired, most likely, from our parents.
There are three ways that we deal with patterns. 
1. We take the pattern on as if it were our own. 
2. We rebel against the pattern 
3. We create the pattern in our lives from an outside source.
I am guilty of engaging in all three of these pattern forms. But now I am choosing to look at them more clearly. What role have they played in my life? How have they kept me stuck?
The circumstances surrounding my birth created many issues not just one.   I finally realized the answers to these life lessons by taking responsibility for who I was. I spent my life saying that I was attracted to unavailable men because my mother was emotionally unavailable. But then I realized something. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was me that has always been emotionally unavailable. When I looked back at my actual dating patterns there were men that wanted to spend the rest of their lives with me but I was the one that left the relationship (sometimes very abruptly and without explanation). Those relationships blend into my life like the many friendships that didn’t last.
As I got older I realized that I stayed in relationships that weren’t conducive to bringing out the best in each other. I fell for guys that lived far away, or had their own issues of not being available, or just weren’t into me. The always wanting what we can’t have syndrome. Then one day you wake up and this model doesn’t work anymore. And you go over it again and again and try to figure out the whys of it all.
One day while talking to a girlfriend with the same patterns, it hit me. I am the one living on a low relationship vibration pattern and the only way to stop attracting these relationships is to lift myself above the energy field of unavailability.
But how do I do this? By separating myself from what I witnessed in childhood. I have spent my life in relationship transference. Because my mother was left feeling constantly berated I sought out situations that mirrored what I knew. How could I not? I didn’t know any different or any better.
This is a journey that won’t create change overnight. That is why I am calling it a journey. It will take commitment and endurance and faith that it doesn’t have to be this way. If your mother fell in love with an alcoholic doesn’t mean that you have to. If your mom and dad were verbally abusive, doesn’t mean that you and your spouse can’t show love and affection and be verbally complimentary.
The key is going to be honesty. You have to be honest with yourself and be accountable.  What part are you playing in your own life? I mentioned that another way we handle patterns is to rebel against it.  Case in point. I grew up not being held, coddled, or shown affection. I have turned out to be one of the mushiest, most affectionate and verbally complimentary people I know. It’s actually one of my favorite things about me. But the glitch in this plan has been that the guys I have been with have not been verbally complimentary at all. It was all I ever wanted and yet because I didn’t “know it” I couldn’t have it.   I would always constantly be “needing” something from the other person. Just like I had done my whole life with my mother.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Some awareness and a conscious effort is the starting point for letting go of the patterns and not living in transference anymore. For starters we never have to look outside ourselves for recognition. The key to a happy and fulfilled life lived in the present starts from within. The best way to separate yourself from the past is to figure out where you are now in this moment. With yourself, your relationships, your career.
We will tackle each pattern one at a time. I told you, this is going to be a commitment. But aren’t you worth it?
One of the definitions for pattern is “an example for others to follow”. Our parents didn’t realize that they were setting these examples any more than their parents knew. A pattern is a habit. And habits were meant to be broken.
The best way to improve upon a habit is to replace it with a more valuable counterpart. And the easiest way to do this is through repetition. Reading “Benjamin Franklin, The Autobiography and other Writings” I learned about the power of habits and how they can be rewritten to suit new needs. At the age of 20, in 1726, Benjamin Franklin penned a “plan” for regulating his own conduct. They have become known as the 13 virtues. He lived with each virtue for a week before moving on to the next virtue. The whole process taking thirteen weeks to complete and then he would start again from the beginning. He continued to do this throughout his life and many have followed in similar footsteps. Franklin set out on a quest to develop his very character. He devoted himself to the improvement of his mental and moral qualities. He wrote the 13 Virtues in which he would tackle one virtue at a time and he wouldn’t move on to the next virtue until he felt he had mastered the one at hand.
He wasn’t always successful and at times, as we do, he fell short of his attempts. But he worked on these virtues until the day he died and he documented his progress and shortcomings in a journal. What Author, Og Mandino, calls the Success Recorder.
Here is the list of virtues:

"TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation."

"SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation."

"ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time."

"RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve."

"FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing."

"INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employed in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions."

"SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly."

"JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty."

"MODERATION. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve."

"CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no un-cleanliness in body, cloths, or habitation."

"TRANQUILLITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable."

"CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation."

"HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates."

I share the list with you as a starting point to counteract the list we made of the patterns we need to change. I think if we were to take our own pattern one pattern at a time, find or create it’s counterpart and spend 30 days with each one we will find that we have de-brainwashed ourselves and we will be on to bigger and better things.
Let’s take another look at our list.  Let’s organize our list in order of priority.  Take out a fresh piece of paper.  Fold it into three columns.  The first column label Old Habit.  Next column will be New Habit and the third column, My Virtue.  Down the side of your paper list your habits in order of priority.  Which of these patterns is interfering the most with your growth?  Once you have these patterns listed in order let’s take each habit and in the next column let’s put the habits counterpart.  It can be one of Franklin’s virtues or one you come up with on your own or one you borrow from someone you know.
If you took the time to write out your patterns then take the time to write a paragraph about what each of these mean to you. How you will change your life for the better by making these adjustments in your life. Be specific. And always speak in the positive. Once you have your paragraph (or two or three) keep it with you. Read it everyday at least three times a day. Read it when you wake up. Read it during or after lunch and read it before you go to bed at night.
The best way to accomplish a new habit is through repetition.   Repeat, Repeat, Repeat.

Document your success on a calendar or in a journal.  This is for you and your journey.  

Let me know how it goes. 

Partial List of Pattern Suggestions:

Low Self Esteem
Lack of Self Confidence
Attracting Unhealthy Relationships
Self Sabotage
Alcohol Abuse
Narcotics Abuse
Cigarette Addiction
Fear of Failure
Fear of Success
Negative Thoughts
Victim Mentality
Feeling Stupid
Being Self Consciousness
Being Defensive
Always apologizing
Can’t let go
Lack of Motivation
Fear of Commitment
Insecurity In Relationships

© 2010

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


If you have been joining me everyday as I continue to decipher the nonsense then you know that yesterday I spent most of the day working on my novel. Maybe this blog really is the key to me finishing this damn book already.  One very small step at a time. Very exciting prospect.   As you can imagine, no easy task, but what a revelation.  My first draft is well on it's way and I am now more than ever determined to see this through to completion.  

But, tonight I am tired.  So I need a break from the book for a minute.  And I don't know about you, but I am in need of some good old fashion inspiration. Some pure encouragement to break the monotony of the memories.  It's important to embrace my innate power to rise above circumstance.  I am not bitter toward my past state of affairs.  So don't you be either.  

Here's a great quote from Mother Teresa... "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.  I just wish that He didn't trust me so much"

And a poem from me... 

life is always changing and
tests your strength and will
a lovely dance by moonlight
the grass, perfect and still

keep the faith in sunrise
and welcome the day
walk with your head held high
and the gifts will come your way

the universe will give to you
all that you ask
so be strong in your intention
and unwavering at your tasks

hope is undeniable
just let love lead your heart
always choose to be honorable
a perfect place to start

never hold ill thoughts
or give power to your fears
Live your life with integrity
and your wishes shall appear

Live Love and Laugh
Everywhere you go
Peace Love and Light
On you shall bestowed

© 2010

Saturday, January 9, 2010

One of the W's

Why hasn’t anyone figured out why Stone Hedge was built?  Why has everyone who has ever tried to figure out the Bermuda Triangle disappeared?  Why do some people believe in the Loch Ness Monster while others don’t?

“Why” has been a staple in my vocabulary from as early as I can remember.   The why’s came about because what could I have possibly done in a past life that would warrant the life I was living and I didn’t even know if I believed in past lives.  Why didn't I have the answers?  

Frustration and rebellion would set in like a bad rerun and I couldn't turn it off.   I feared everyone and trusted no one.   I was the quintessential representative of a misplaced youth and I was face down in the proverbial gutter.  My life had been obscured by why this and why that.

The indelible footprints of my questioning left me intent on finding answers.   I found solace in poetry and the words of encouragement from many books. Authors like Og Mandino, Napolean Hill and Deepak Chopra became my best friends.    I devoured their words and their messages.   I studied the concepts and I tested the theories.   The more I read the more I learned about myself and the more I learned about myself the more I wanted to know.   My search has taught me that for every event there was a life lesson to be pondered.    

I just have to figure out what the lessons are.  

© 2010

Friday, January 8, 2010

Mirror Mirror

Let’s look in the mirror.  Let’s just look into our own eyes and try to find the beauty there.  Just keep staring, admiring, looking deep, looking pure, and then when you get enough courage together, smile.  Smile big.  Smile genuinely at the smile smiling back at you.   A smile on your face, A chuckle in your throat, A giggle on your lips.  The laughter that follows.  This is the true you.  The real you.  The person who loves you and believes in you and thinks you are stunning.   You are looking at the person who gets you out of bed in the morning.  The person who no matter how many times they fail still gets up and try’s again.   The smiling person looking back at you is who you really are.  So take this smile into the world with you today.  Share it with everyone you come in contact with.  This is your free gift to the beauty of the planet and your simple yet tremendous contribution to society. 
This smiling face is the representation of you and the world looks forward to embracing that smile.  Your very smile can save someone’s life.  Your sad neighbor uses it to brighten up their day.  The child who fell off their bike uses your smile to encourage them to get back up and try again.   The old lady who may be lonely holds on to that smile triggering happy memories of her life.    The teenager who just broke up with his girlfriend embraces your smile as hope that his heart will heal. 

Your smile is the undeniable beauty of your true self and the world needs your smile.  It starts with you.  A smile will brighten up the darkest of days.  If you smile it is impossible to be sad.  If you start laughing a true real laugh will take it’s place and you will forget why you were sad.  The power in a smile is huge.   A random act of kindness that doesn’t cost anyone anything and yet it will shower you and those around you with the riches of happiness. 
The best part of a smile is when it turns into a giggle.  It’s subtle and you try to control it but why control it?  Let it go!  When you let go of it, it becomes contagious and when you look around everyone around you has the same expression as you.  All you have to do is smile at someone and the face before you becomes somehow brighter and the energy that is transferred between you lifts you both up to a higher place of elation.   It’s in this higher place of excitement that laughter follows.  Because after all laughter is a smile that bursts.

© 2010   

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

In retrospect

I've been stuck in my head and lost in my thoughts for much of the day. I was able to focus on my work but my intuition screamed that news was coming.  When I got home from the office the phone rang and the news came and I don't really want to talk about it. Somethings? Somethings you just can't change or do anything about.  I mean really.  What could I possibly do about something that was done when I was born and kept from me all these years?  What am I supposed to do with this information now?  Is my life as I know it going to change?  Nope. 

So I will try to use the information eventually to make sense of some events but that's me and that's a given.  I will always try to make sense of the nonsense.   Maybe I should cry or cry out or something, but I just don't feel like it.  There are no tears.  But it's not that there never were.  There have been tears in all shapes and sizes and lengths of time over so many different things.  Enough tears that I honored them with an ode.

It starts with a single droplet of water
Like that of a summer rain
I must surrender to the waters will
It comes out of nowhere and calls my name. 
My body responds in surrender
The beckoning call a much needed release
As the water takes its claim on me
My body shakes for inner peace
Memories flood my mind
As my steps I now retrace
The water flowing freely
And I yield to its embrace
An attempt at laughter and I
Am at the point of no return
I freely relinquish all control
And leave it to my heart to discern
It can start with an onion
And the effects on the eyes
As I peel away at the layers
I am left with no disguise
It can begin with a lullaby
Sparking memories of the past
A childhood left to no one
And praying the pain would never last
A remembrance of my mother
Her singing fills my mind
A soul lost to happen stance
Who chose to leave this world behind
The grief from mistakes I’ve made
Fall around me like a house of cards
As I have spent most of my years
Behind my self made wall of disregard
The waves are crashing over me
And bares my very soul
Giving in to the fit of sobs
The humility makes me whole
In this humility I shall shed my tears
Embracing all they hold within
An inner knowledge and wisdom
That only life experience can bring
Tears come in many forms
Maybe too many to comprehend
But I am always thankful for the visit
Like the comfort of a long lost friend
Just like when all of the water from a rain
Brings the gift of the brightest rainbow
I am always grateful to my tears because
I can see my life through their open window

© 2010

Words on Screen & Words on Paper

  • Blink, Malcolm Gladwell
  • Casablanca (1942)
  • Chocolat (2000)
  • Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, Susan Jeffer, Ph.D.
  • Harold and Maude (1971)
  • Invictus (2009)
  • On The Waterfront (1954)
  • Singin in the Rain (1952)
  • The Celestine Prophecy, James Redfield
  • The Four Agreements, Miguel Ruiz
  • The Greatest Salesman in the World, Og Mandino
  • The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle
  • The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, Deepak Chopra
  • The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
  • The Tao of Pooh, Benjamin Hoff
  • The Wizard of Oz (1939)
  • West Side Story (1961)
  • What Happy People Know, Dan Baker


  • Use Somebody, Kings of Leon
  • You're Beautiful, James Blunt
  • Love, Love, Love, Tristan Prettyman
  • Just Fine, Mary J. Blige
  • Banana Pancakes, Jack Johnson
  • You and Me, Dave Matthews
  • Just Breathe, Pearl Jam