Full Circle

Sometimes life gets the best of me.  I let it.  Sometimes I wallow.  Too much thinking.  Too much comparing.  I don't have to be the quintessential dark side that I grew up with.  I don't have to be my mothers daughter knowing my mother wasn't capable of being a mom.  I don't have to compare myself to some Cimmerian fascination.  This is the 21st Century after all.  Pause.  This is me.  This is me sitting in the middle of the floor hoping the food will comfort me.  Hoping the tears will satiate my wanting.

Thoughts become things and I fear that sometimes I think myself right onto the path of following in my mothers footsteps.  Why is the grass always greener?  The wonder always pertinent?  My fears my reality?  I spend a lot of time alone.  Not lonely.  But alone like I was born from some Basquait painting.

The unequivocal need to separate myself from a past that should hold no bearing leaves me contemplative and crying.  Breaking the chains that bind me prove irreverent sometimes and I can't tear myself free.

Not everything needs to come full circle does it?  Can I step out of it like a ticket line?  Wallowing in self-pity doesn't suit me.  The blanket of food doesn't fit me anymore.  And the incessant relaying of similarities has overstayed their welcome.  I am not her anymore then she was me and this isn't some painting or song or symphony.  This is my life.  I guess sometimes even I need to be reminded.  Reminded of a promise I made to myself.  My own words venturing once again to teach me...

A leap of faith and I join you in an epic adventure.  An autonomous decree that if I miss, the stars will catch me.  I become one with you and the world is an illumination.  Me the shadow dancer being beckoned to embrace the splendor.  The flight of an angel. Protected from the fears of adolescence.  Guided through clouds of promises. Gratitude holds us high. Traveling the summit of our consciousness.  Only the inner wonderment of a child shall find us airborne.  Defying gravity. Immersed in the blue moon. The beauty of natures charms open their arms to us.  Below the grass green and untouched. I can smell the flowers and I bask in their ability to wear their Sunday best. Not a wrinkle in their stems or a pedal out of place on their heads. The light breeze sings for them, as they dance for me.  My leap of joy. I believe. The awareness has made me one with the energy fields around me and so I ascend in harmony. I am set free. I shall rise to the occasion. Choose life. An answered prayer, a silent lullaby, a dream come true. Help me stay on course. Help me to live like a butterfly. Help me glide. Help me love. Help me belong. Help me trust. Help me keep my promise.

Empty your Pockets

It's a Sunday morning on the coast and the clouds make their way to shore.  The smell of rain is in the air and the cleansing should come soon.  Being the over thinker has my brain working overdrive and the off button seems to be stuck.  The dryer bustles in the background and the smell of dryer sheets is instantly calming.  The sound of a flute joining the piano soothes my indecisive temperament while the perilous nature of uncertainty makes it's own assessment.  Birds take flight in unison and my puppy let's me love him.  The to-do list grows a mind of it's own and you wonder why everything takes so long.  You go out of your way to make things right but the light won't turn green and the traffic can get backed up for miles.  No one can let you down if you don't allow them to hold you up.  Another birthday comes and goes and breakfast isn't ready yet.  The iambic pentameter tries to find me today and that's okay.  We have come a long way from pictograms and it's just another day.  History has a way of repeating itself if you let it in while breaking the binds of pattern can release you from sin.  A society based in what's it all for and how far have we really come?  Are you willing to join your mirror or are you still wondering where you're from?  Sometimes a self inflicted lullaby can set you free as if you were a new found miracle left out for the world to see.  Dr. Seuss had it right when he found the Wocket in his pocket and in closing he let us know... "I don't care if you believe it.  And I hope we never leave it".

Ace of Hearts

To my King of Hearts… Masquerade hearts don't keep from getting broken and what we dwell on becomes our identity. I don't want to wear it anymore.  A wink. A smile. A laugh. Emotions on my sleeve and I feel I'm torn in half. Is there a happily ever after in the land of effervescent rainbows? Paintings find me peaceful and I welcome the quiet. I try to gather my thoughts but am easily distracted. A Carpathian novel and I will not settle. The hazel eyes of a wolf intrigue me. Come for me. The statue of a woman who stands on her own. Flowers on a table and I feel so far from home. Nothing left to be forgotten and you're looking through Oscar Wildes memory. I'm trying to listen to my life that has so much to say. Can you unravel me? Hunger finds me vulnerable and I feel shy. It calls out to you. I'm not sure why. Dance with me barefoot and kiss my mouth. Waterfall lyrics reveal me. What's this? A coin in a wishing well, one I must have missed. Once upon a time of fascination. A glimpse. A tingle. A Breath. No more disguise. Just a girl with kaleidescope eyes.

Your...  Queen of Hearts.

Self Indulgence

Moon shadows flowers bloom and I am smiling.  The night falls and stars fill my sky.  Sleep comes to find me and I welcome it willingly. A soft gentle kiss on my cheek and I blush.  The peaceful wonderments of a life worth listening to.  A speciality in motion and a secret crush, a shared laugh and it's a distant memory.  Glistening eyes and I am naive and vulnerable.  Give me something to think about.  Make me laugh.  And I'll giggle. A ride on a rail train.  You drink my shirley temple and I'll eat the ice.  Everything is valuable and we should stop to smell the flowers.  Make a wish.  A night in shining armor and dreams of a kiss.  A moment long gone but now I've found my smirk.  A lesson learned and I've broken the lineage.  A new past is set in motion and I won't look back.  Not attracted to that which I can't have.  Skipping along my journey, my own yellow brick road.  I feel set free.  I've found the butterfly in me.  Forever.

A Subtle Touch

As the voice in you touches me... I speak

                                     As your words touch my mind.... I open

As your fingers touch my flesh... I weaken

                                     As your body touches mine... I lengthen

As your lips touch mine... I soften

                                     As the life in you touches me... I live

Time Travel

Here I am again... knowing there is no catching up to the time that passes, but finding my way to my words again.  I can't go back.  It's been months since my last blog entry and I won't be able to call for a do over.  What's done is done.

But it's not about what we haven't done or what we didn't do.  It's about all the things that we can find that we can appreciate about life and about ourselves and for every thing big or small that we are thankful for.  All the things that we can create that lay ahead of us.  I have to look at the traveled pavement as I view the sky.  With wonder.  I have been through so many ups and downs made so many wrong turns but I hold tight to my optimistic nature and put one foot in front of the other.

I just came off a big travel job and I find myself spent with exhaustion.  And somehow the emptying out of all my energy finds me open-minded and full of clarity.  In the peace and quiet I have found my spirit and my ethereal approach to that which I love most...  Wondering, pondering, and daydreaming.  My indisputable love for that which I can't control but love to question.

There have been many challenging moments and I haven't always made the right choices, but I learn.  I choose to learn and be humble and open and forthcoming.

If we let it... time will teach us our most valuable lessons... We will learn to travel through our lives embracing the answers hidden in the adversity, the answers shining in our good fortune and the answers kneeling before us in humility.

There are a lot of things in my life that I don't have but courage isn't one of them and I am realizing that of all things I have learned in my travels a little courage can go a long way in teaching us how to rise above any situation.

I don't have much practice with dating so I am not very good at it but I have decided to feel the fear and do it anyway.  If I don't date then the man of my dreams out there somewhere looking for me may never find me.

I don't know if anyone will read the book I am writing but if one person embraces it and it helps them live a better life then every hour spent writing every word will have been worth it.

I dont' know if the company I am launching is going to be a huge success but if I am able to get it off the ground at all then I know I accomplished something else I can be proud of.

I don't know what tomorrow holds but I know what I have today and I choose to embrace myself, share with strangers, and show love to my friends as my friends show to me.

I don't know much but I do know that one person can make a big difference one person at a time.  A little love travels a long way.

What are you doing with your time?

The Paradox of Wonder

Always the constant wonderer it was inevitable that I get to the crux of it all. Well, to the crux of where I am today.  We all know this could change when the wind changes direction.  But for now, I find myself accepting me for everything I have ever done and for all the things I have tried, tested, passed and failed at and I have had yet another glorious epiphany.

I find myself embarking on yet another journey.  But this time I have not been questioning it.  I am taking the moments as they come and I find myself doing what is needed to be done.  The happiness finds me waking to the possibilities that my new endeavor is unfolding before my very eyes.  Proof that the life we live is for a reason.  All the many steps we have ever taken were necessary to get to where we are today.

Dharma?  Quite possibly.  Because if we are doing what we are supposed to be doing then the path of least resistance shall lay itself out before us like the yellow brick road.  It's only if we choose to trust and stay the course that the proof of our destiny will unfold.

Basking in the happiness of my current journey I took a good long look at my own history.  My wondering why I was always reinventing myself and how I could wear so many hats has been revealed.  I have seen the consequences of each and every door I have ever walked through and the occasional window I jumped out of.

Memory lane shows me the significance of my choices and I am left being nothing but grateful for the opportunities, adversities and the accomplishments.

If it wasn't for working in advertising I wouldn't know how to market my new idea. If it wasn't for the awareness of what being in transference can do to our current relationships, I wouldn't have the relationship I have now with my sister. If it wasn't for working in production I wouldn't know how to keep my project on budget. If it wasn't for me being moved around a lot, I wouldn't be as adept at conforming to any circumstance.  If it wasn't for me being on my own, I wouldn't be this independent. If it wasn't for me being hurt, I wouldn't be this humble.  If it wasn't for me working in restaurants, I wouldn't be this social.  If it wasn't for me working in sales, I wouldn't know that for every no we are closer to that yes.  If it wasn't for me always wondering, I wouldn't know that the world will give you what you ask of it.

This "if it wasn't for" list goes on and on and gives me so much to be thankful for.  The courage it takes to make a list like this can help you see into a side of you that you didn't know existed.   You may find you are in your wrong job or with the wrong person or you may find that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  Either way is great news and can help you continue down your path or encourage you to try a different route at the next fork in your road.

In all of this I am accepting myself as I am and with that has come some great strides. I know I have the habit of constantly contradicting myself.  It can be exhausting to the people around me and even to me sometimes.  But I keep the faith that I will work it out and figure out the message to my scattered behavior.  And I realized something very spectacular in all of this...

On my current journey, I am focussed and centered and know what I want and where I am going.  I don't feel inconsistent or scattered.  My answers are precise and my direction is forward.

My investigations into my own behaviors have proved the perfect paradox of wonder.

Have you been doing any wondering?

On the Other Side of Life

It's working.  Not being a survivor is serving me well.  I ask for help when I need it and yet I still fend for myself.  I know that everything is falling into place and I am not forcing it.  I am living with intention and the luck has found it's way to me.  I have faith in who I am and yet I am still challenging the power of my subconscious mind.

In essence I have been practicing the art of doing nothing.  I don't mean nothing in the true sense of the word.  I mean nothing as in I am not stressing over what I must have.  I am enjoying what I do have.  I am not worried about tomorrow because I am to busy embracing today.  I am not worrying about what the future holds because I am living in the moment.

A moment holds many variables.  A lot can happen in a moment.  In one single moment, I can take a deep breath as I take in the life happening around me...  a bird chirps for it's mother and a sea lion jumps into the ocean off the dock, I over hear someone say, "I love you" and that brings a smile to my face, then someone starts up a boat in the distance as a family of ducks walks by looking for crumbs.  And just when the moment is almost up my puppy jumps into my lap to lick my face and the moment ends to the sound of me laughing.

Life is what we make of it and what we make of our life starts with what we think about ourselves and the life we are living.  Thoughts become things and what we dwell on becomes our reality.  Let go of the labels and the limiting beliefs.  Let go of the judgements of yourself and of others.  Live and let live.  Relinquish the control.  Feel the fear and do it anyway.  De-brainwash yourself.

Cut out the negative thoughts by replacing them with a positive counterpart.  In the beginning just simply saying the word "positive" when you think something negative will stop the thought dead in it's tracks.  Trick yourself into believing the best of everything and the best of everything will find you. Do whatever it takes and say whatever you have to say to yourself to know that we create our own destiny.

We are responsible for our own lives and our lives are meant to be great!  Life on the other side is filled with success at my endeavors, fulfilling exchanges with my friends, love in my heart, and acceptance for my mistakes as lessons learned.

My grandfather told me a story once that stuck with me my entire life (sometimes I just forget the story and I have to remind myself of it's message)
There was a guy walking down the street feeling really sorry for himself.  He let the pity get the best of him until he just couldn't take it anymore.. He leaned himself against a wall and slowly slid himself down the wall until he was sitting in the gutter crying like a child.  He was so self absorbed and lost in his wallowing over the fact that he didn't have any shoes that he hadn't noticed that he sat down next to another man and when he looked over at the guy... he had no feet.

What side of your life are you living on?

Acceptance

I’ve survived an abortion attempt on my own life, neglect, an attack by a serial rapist, and recently watched my eighth month old puppy survive an attack by a pit bull.  Now I am busy trying to survive a rare parasite that is making me very sick.  But I am still optimistic.

Somehow I find the strength.  Somehow I find the will to survive. 

Do I wallow sometimes in self-pity?  Yes.  Do I get in my own way sometimes?  A lot.  Do I make the wrong decisions?  Sometimes.  Do I wish I had all the answers?  Of course I do.  Am I helping anyone or myself with my words, theories and stories?  I hope so.

I’ve realized that I have a tendency to over extend myself.  I can’t do it all.  Even with my blog.  I set out to write everyday, which would inevitably become impossible and lead to not writing at all.  I’ve been humbled into submission and with this has come grand epiphanies. 

Time to slow down and to practice what I preach.  Writing my blog once a week or once a month is sufficient when my plate is already full with work.  Enjoying what I do have and let go of the notion that I should have more.   I wasn’t born to parents with a picket fence around a white house and I never will be.  Maybe I have finally come to terms with who I am, where I come from and where I am now.  I’m not rich and maybe I never will be.  I am not married and maybe I never will be.  I didn’t have the relationship with my parents that my friends have but I guess I wasn’t supposed to. 

We all have our stuff.  It’s how we think about our stuff that shapes our lives.    I have been going on and on about being a survivor.  But is being a survivor synonymous with being the victim.  Perhaps this limiting belief has created more situations in my life that brand me survivor.  Survivor now has the connotation of struggle.  I don’t need to struggle.  I don’t need to be some survivor.  I just need to be.

If I embrace how lucky I am and truly accept what I have and what my limitations are then there can be no struggle, no need to be the perpetual survivor.  Acceptance breeds happiness and quite frankly I really do have a lot to be thankful for.  So I have overextended myself, financially, emotionally and now physically but once again, it has taken all of these things to humble my way of thinking.  I am not so different from most Americans that have been faced with adversity in these economic times.  As a matter of fact I am actually doing pretty good.   I figure it this way.  If I was able to overspend now I should be able to over-save. 

At the end of the day I am lucky and I have a good life.  And as my letter from the Universe says today… Changing what you have comes from changing who you are.  And changing who you are comes from changing what you think.

Acceptance.  Acceptance doesn’t come with labels or titles or salutations.  Acceptance just is.  Acceptance is the open door that leads to true happiness.  

What's it like in there?

Inspiration comes from many places.  It's not always explainable.  It can come out of nowhere and last but a minute.  Most of the times it comes in waves and instead of fighting it we just need to have the courage to jump on and ride it.

I am inspired.  It's been a while.  I'm writing.  I find myself thinking. Pondering.  Questioning.  Wondering.  Asking the why's I have come to call my own.

It's simple. If we don't engage we won't have much to say.  If we don't dream we won't have anything to look forward to.  If we don't aspire we will fall short of our own potential.  If we don't believe then it won't come true.

I heard a story about a boy who grew up hearing his sister try to play songs on the piano.  He didn't know how to play the piano but somehow innately he knew what the missing note was.  He could sit beside her and show her what to play next.  Is there something innate in all of us?  Some natural talent at something or everything?  He became a very talented singer/song writer but that's not all he does.  He has many talents and he uses some of his skills to run his own company.

I've said it before, I believe that one person can do many things great while another person can only do one.  I just can't buy into the notion that there is this one path for each of us to follow.  Why can't we skip from one to the other?  Personally, the thought that the path has permanence is horrifying. I really enjoy skipping.

So far it seems that the path's we are on are full of curves, corners, and forks in the roads.  After having missed many exits and made many u-turns I have decided that it's not about the path at all.  It's about how we walk (or skip) along the path that matters.

It's not about what happens to us, it's about how we react to what happens.  It's not about what anyone does to us, it's about how we choose to respond to it.  It's not about what is said to us, it's about what we ask in response.

I know that I am "a lot" and I am not for everyone. But someone out there thinks they're not enough.  And you know what?  Who cares.  We have to live each day as if it were our last.  No judgement.  Not others and certainly not ourselves.  We can learn so much if we are open to the lessons.  Why would we censor ourselves?  Just be you no matter what because there is someone for everyone and you need to just keep walking your walk on whatever path you are on and whatever color the sky may in your world on any given day.

Have you looked inside yourself lately?  What's it like in there?



© 2010

Open Window

I have been MIA for the past couple of months with just a word here or there but nothing much concrete or questioning or wondering.  I have been going through the motions but not really seeing anything around me.  Caught up in the moment I didn't think things through clearly.  This happens to me sometimes.  But I have become an old pro of picking myself back up again.  Just a little uncertain proof that while I may have thought I got off the roller coaster, somehow I am still on the ride.  

In my defense, I am still learning my lessons.  Apparently I have a lot of lessons to learn.  I am working on the grandeur possibility that each time becomes easier and the lessons are more profound.  I'm trusting the process.  Actually embracing it and living in it and becoming one with it. Challenging but humbling.  

It has all been very liberating. 

 

I am happy to report that I have come out some other side (again).  And while I still have a long road ahead of me... I have my walking shoes on!

There has to be a window

So you can see past the waters edge

A wondrous rainbow of color awaits you,

If you just believe in what’s been said

If you listen to your heart

The words can speak in volumes

But you can’t fear the past

That’s been leaving you unraveled

The unknown is where

The answers are revealed

If you can keep the faith

In the truths that are concealed

Open up the lid of your life unlived

And all your truest passions

Will come rushing to be fulfilled

Get back up, brush yourself off

and find the faith 

You’re supposed to lead by example

not give in to an endless chase

Even though in times of trouble

it’s hard to understand

Let your life catch up to you

and gently hold your hand

Know you were made with love

in the eyes of happiness and glory

And know that you were meant to be

A happily Ever After kind of story

Moments

There are moments that are precious

And daytimes that are still

A night in shining armor

A game of strength and will

Let your sword of enlightenment

Enter me with faith

Embrace my body, mind & soul

With elegance and grace

Impress upon my darkest dreams

The laughter of a child

Innocence will heal all wounds

And dress thee with a smile

If ever I forget these words

Cast your light on me

So I may witness the beauty

In everything I see

May I never turn a blind eye

On that which I don’t know

Yesterday’s mistakes shall be

My victories of tomorrow

© 2010

tie-die

Distorted words are like Picasso paintings they say nothing and yet they tell you everything about the state of mind of the person who is speaking them.  Ferris wheels and mis-spelled words, broken glass, shattered dreams, looking for ice cream.  A bottle on it's side, who gets kissed next?  Anyone for a game of chess? Cheesecrackers telling time. The clock will never turn to nine.  Looking for a world your own there is no right or wrong. Or Mr. Clean to wipe it up.  There are times to weep and smelly feet.  Unfelt hugs and tattered rugs.  Mistakes at doing laundry and all you have left is tie-die.

© 2010

A Wish

Make one now...

You

At the center of your being 
you have the answer;
you know who you are 
and you know what you want

Buddha

Buller? Anyone?

“Life moves pretty fast.  If you don’t stop to look around once in a while you could miss it.”

― Matthew Broderick as Ferris Buller, "Ferris Buller’s Day Off"

God Winks

My favorite books are the ones that offer insight instead of answers. Challenges instead of cop outs.  Books that make me think, question and look within.  For the most part I am like Tom Cruise in Cocktail, I always have a self-help book on me.  Only now it's on my kindle for iphone.

I don't just read the book either.  I call it doing the book.  If there are exercises, I am doing them. I keep a pen and paper handy and I get down to it. I answer honestly and I open myself up to the messages and possibilities.  When you trust in the process it's like leaning over a cliff and knowing that you won't fall. Really look around and heed the advice hidden in the most obscure of places.  These answers are gifts.  Big beautiful gifts wrapped in coincidences that come in all shapes and sizes.

I've been doing this book called When God Winks by, Squire Rushnell. It's a loaner from a friend and I am madly in love with this book. The philosophy behind God Winks is that every time a coincidence happens in your life, it is God winking at you.  Translation.  You are on your right path and everything around you is supporting you on your journey.  

You see I LOVE coincidences.  I even keep a coincidence journal from time to time because it helps me appreciate my life and all the good I receive.  

It's been slow for me in the freelance world.  I have had three jobs go away and as you can imagine my first instinct was to panic.  To freak out and stress over where my next job was was coming from.  But then I realized something and the evidence started to unfold around me in a series of  God Winks.  

My sister and I had been talking about a business adventure together for just over a month. While doing my book one night. I had an epiphany.  I went to sleep that night with a smile on my face and I woke with an even bigger one.  I got on the computer and started doing research.  To move the story ahead... I had my moments of doubt but everywhere I looked for a sign telling me that I was making the right choices the signs were there to guide me.  Here's a very interesting example.  One of many but the one I am choosing to share.  It was a real eye opener for me.  

I was so annoyed Saturday afternoon. My information wasn't coming fast enough and I was at my wits end with everything I had to do.  I was stressed out, I was tired and I was questioning whether I could even do this endeavor at all. 

Gahl Sasson had a scheduled seminar, The Alchemy of Relationships based on his new book, The Cosmic Navigator and I really wanted to go. I had been looking forward to it for 3 week.  I invited a friend and we decided to car pool.  On the drive over, I was expressing my doubts and letting them get the best of me.  My friend was be very supportive and telling me "You can do it, I know you can".  I wondered.

As I exhaled a sigh I turned my head to look out the window at the same exact time as a man holding a white bag with black lettering held it up over his face.  I remember thinking, that's odd, what is he doing? Is he hiding?" When I realized that simultaneously with the thought I was reading the black lettering, which left me saying in my head, "I can do it".

I was instantly rejuvenated!  I look at my friend with the biggest smile and I said, Oh My God.. God just winked at me!

I heeded the advice and now I am seriously and diligently pursuing this endeavor.  Because I am on my right path, I am experiencing more and more gifts of coincidences.  The first 3 went unnoticed until now.  And they were the biggest ones.  If any of those 3 jobs would have booked, I wouldn't be where I am in this moment.

I hope God winks at you today too.

© 2010

thanks

THANK YOU GOD, AND GENIE, AND UNIVERSE AND DEVINE TRUTH FOR ALL THAT YOU ARE!  AND FOR ANSWERING MY PRAYERS!  I TRULY AM A MIRACLE AND BREATH OF FRESH AIR!  THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER AND I WILL SHINE AND GIVE BACK IN THANKS!  THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL MY GIFTS!  I LOVE YOU! AND I LOVE ME.. 

© 2010

Let's Be

On Februrary 14th we will come into the Chinese New Year.  The Year of the Tiger. And this New Year is said to be a year of bravery.

Tigers are highly adaptable, territorial and are mostly solitary.  But of the nine subspecies of tigers, three are extinct and the other six are endangered.

In honor of the Tiger I propose that we all live up to the year and face our challenges courageously.  Let's be brave in our endeavors.  Unwavering in our intentions and honest in our exchanges.  

Let's remember to be gracious but independent.  Let's have tolerance and let us practice patience.  Let's be risk takers and embrace the excitement life has to offer.  Let's be attractive to our beholders and conscious in our decisions.  

Everything we do has a direct effect on someone, something, somewhere.  Let's stand up for what we believe in.  Know that it does take one person doing one thing to make a difference.  To create a movement.  To alter the path of global consciousness.  

Let's not act hastily and remember to be sympathetic to others.  Let us live not vicariously through the lives of our great leaders but take action in supporting their intentions.  Let us be the best versions of ourselves.  Let us express our individuality but come together as a group. 

Let's be fearless, heroic, bold, daring, adventurous, loving, kind, joyous, happy, sympathetic, empathetic, powerful, grateful, humble, successful, thankful, appreciative, and brave.

© 2010

Choices

Once upon a time I knew first hand what it was like to let the world get the best of me.  Let the world get the best of me?  Doesn’t that sound so BIG?  No wonder I felt small and insignificant.  In the schematic my mind had drawn for me, how could I not feel small? 

So there were days when I made the world shrink down to my size.  My comfort zone was a small space in the center of my bed under two layers of blankets.  I would lay there as if in a body size igloo.  I would lay there for days.  Sometimes four days straight. Barely eating and barely breathing with only my tears to keep me company. 

So many lost days, missed opportunities and sunsets unseen. 

One day not long after my mother died I hit my proverbial rock bottom.  I fell out of bed onto the floor and I just lay there.  I had a vision of laying in my own proverbial gutter.  I could feel the dirty musty water against my face and I could smell every bad thing that ever happened to me wafting out of that water.  I was stuck. I was paralyzed as the gutter held me like ratchet straps and all I could do was lay there. 

I had nothing left.  It was over.  I wasn’t even sure if I was breathing.  So I gave in.  In that moment of terrorized paralysis I gave myself over to whatever higher power would take me.  In a silent whisper I asked for help.  For the first time in my life I truly and unconditionally prayed for my own salvation.

The next thing I knew a hand came out of nowhere reaching for me, helping me out of the proverbial gutter and lifting me back up into consciousness. I could feel the presence of something greater than me.  Someone lifted me off the floor that day but I was sitting by myself with tear stains on my face staring at the floor beneath my feet as I was now sitting on my bed.

I have never forgotten that day.  And I have never again sought the comfort of my blanket igloo.  It was time to change.  Time to step into my own life and view my world as it was meant to be viewed or measured.  To make it a life worth living.

One of the hardest things in the world is to admit when your life isn’t working.  It is said that we do the same things again and again even if it hurts us or depletes us because it is all we know.  So the payoff (even the painful ones) are still payoffs. I don’t know about you but this sounds to me like the definition of insanity.  Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.  Well, it’s time for a different outcome.

The outcomes of our lives are born from our choices.  The choices that we make about how we want things to go.  We choose to give up or to persevere.  We choose to be afraid of heights and we choose to love deep sea diving.  We choose which path we will walk and we choose which songs we will dance too.  We choose who to love and sometimes we choose to let love choose for us. 

We are constantly making choices whether we realize it or not.  Consciously and subconsciously in every moment we are making a choice about something.  About everything. 

The key is to take control of your choices thus taking control of your life.  And how do we do this?  Just think! Think before we speak. Think before we react. Think before we make our choices. 

I find myself making a lot of choices.  The choice to communicate better, to take care of my body, and to be optimistic in my intentions.  The choice to live my life to my true potential, to help people see that they are not alone in their struggles, and to live a life without drama.  My choices are filled with love.  But, I have also made the choice to respect my sadness and not let it get the best of me.  I have made the choice to listen more than I speak and my choice to learn life’s lessons keeps me very busy indeed.  My choice to share with others and to be humble but determined is invigorating.  My choice to make a difference is challenging but I embrace it.  My choice to care leaves me vulnerable but I am okay with that now.  My choice to ask for help if I need it is a scary prospect but I shall fear the fear and do it anyway.  My outcome is my definitive commitment to know that I always have a choice.

What choices are you making?  How are they effecting your life?  The lives of the people around you?  Your relationships?  Your careers?  Your happiness?  






© 2010

Restless

Wonderments of intrigue like a childish crush, music plays a symphony and I just can’t get enough.  Strengths of the violin overtake the harp. All the while I think of you in a single moments hush.  The serenity of a rose quartz crystal ball. Sitting peacefully with just a smile,  the water fall flows in tranquility.  Dr. seuss landings of a sacred space and a mothers life is not forgotten.  The world is filled with starlight and I feel shy.  A dog barks in the distance and a baby softly cries.  Sleep doesn’t find me now so I am willful and  awake.  Sadness has no hold on me but I wish to see your face.  Black onyx  to release memories of a past, just a girl with glistening eyes who knew it wouldn’t last.  How doest thou think of me if ever that you do?  The crescent moon watches protectively and I do so miss the snow.  My eccentric Aquarius nature that I presume you already know.  A lightening storm over the stillest of lakes and I can still see the fireflies.  Sparklers on my birthday cakes, and memories of my pretty mothers smiles.  Just a few distant thoughts of being happy as a child.  Time heals all wounds and brings the oceans breeze.  Now I sit quietly getting sleepy and I’m at peace.  An unfinished painting stands by as the candles scent envelops me. Who shall play Brahms’ lullaby so that sleep can find me easily.  Will thy dreams come to me tonight and hold me?   Will I find you there?


© 2010

Here

A power connection and we are the sky… not the clouds going by.  What will you ask of your mirror that you say that I am?  Will you let your fears cloud it like the steam from a shower or will you embrace it?  Feel the fear and do it anyway.  The past has a hold on you on you but you didn’t know.  It’s where you’ve been living and couldn’t let go.  How could you embrace change if you don’t change the fears that stop you?  If you leap the net will appear.  When life tries to get the best of you remember me.  The way I made you laugh when you thought you didn’t want to.  How were we to know that I could push your buttons?  Did our intuition fail us?  Or did we call out for each other?  Was there a lesson we were supposed to learn but we missed class that day?  When someone leaves us it is the Universe giving us a gift.  When we let them go with love and forgiveness that is our way of saying Thank You.  When we least expect it and someone joins us… our acceptance is allowing the Universe to say You Are Very Welcome.   Basking in memories I write, I smile, I think of all that has passed.  My friends, my lovers, the male versions of myself.  I choose a journey into the future.  In peace, in light and in laughter.  Take the leap now.  Join me on the new vibrational level where if you listen you can hear me… It is there that we will continue our beautiful conversations… it is here that we will always remain friends.










© 2010

Farewell

The rain has rendered me thoughtful.  Contemplative about the past.  Pensive in my memories. The happy ones.  The ones filled with love and joy and family trips. The moments when my mother laughed and my sister and I dressed in our matching outfits. The butterfly patches she made and her ever changing spiritual journey.  The nights I watched her dance ballet in the dark in our living room and she didn't know I was there.  The sound of her voice singing along to Steely Dan or when she danced around the kitchen to Neil Diamond.  She was young.  She was beautiful.  But she was lost, and sad, and lonely and in the end she was gone.  I wrote this for her.  Maybe, where ever she is she can hear me.  I miss her.

I spent time with you last eve while my eyes wept and I took your hand in sleep. I basked in you and all that the past allowed us only to have you wake briefly gasping for breath. In that moment my heart knew you would not stay with me. Confusion rendered me to my knees for I could no longer hold court for both of us. I had to let you go. I knew that you must find what you are searching for in your life after death.  That which does not include me. My heart must rest for I cannot be a part of ever knowing you this way. And now. You have long since left thee.  Farewell.

© 2010

Feeling the love and they say it best....

The Beatles

Lennon/McCartney

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy.
There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you
in time - It's easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
All you need is love (all together now)
All you need is love (everybody)
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

Beckoning Call

I am feeling very inspired today and I find myself sitting here again with a little more to say. So I figured I might as well share with you who mean the most to me... Enjoy and I hope you are all having a love filled day.

I spent my youth by the waters edge

Immersed in a prayer that you would find thee

Waiting patiently as the years passed by

I began to wonder if you could hear me

Would you listen to my beckoning call

Or would I wonder aimlessly without you

Perhaps I was just a hopeless romantic

And you were never really supposed to

But if we inherently believe in miracles

To the entire world we must profess

That anything is possible and

So we adhere to its bequests

There is someone for everyone

And this I hold true

From the bottom of my heart

I have waited patiently for you

I thought that I was dreaming

When you walked through the door

The first time our eyes embraced

And I knew I wanted more

Years would pass with more encounters

Yet never a word of happenstance

We would always just walk away

Leaving our connections to chance

How ironic that you should find me now

Within reach of your similar path
Only time can reveal the truth

If there’s such a thing as our other half

© 2010

The Wonderment of a Child

The beauty of viewing the world as it is being seen thru the eyes of a child means possessing the gift of seeing everything for the first time over and over.  Seeing in color, comparing shapes, wondering at the smallest insect as it carries 10 times it’s weight. 

Trying things for the first time.  Taking your first step and it holds you up.  How exciting!  We take new first steps everyday.  Embrace them.  Recognize them.  We step into a new job, into a new relationship, into the unknown.  We step into new decisions, new directions, and new philosophies. Life is full of beautiful surprises. Look up but don’t forget to occasionally glance at where you are stepping.  Look forward but periodically take a glance in your rear view.   Take account of where you’ve been.  Contemplate where you are.  Find appreciation for all the steps you have taken.  Whether they took you forward or they took you back. It’s in the two steps back process that we are given a second opportunity to find the treasure we missed the first time. 

Be in constant contact with your inner child and you shall know an unconditional, courageous, determination to take it all in.  Take a look.  See things for the first time.  The ocean at it’s calmest with its glass like surface will show you yourself if you let it.  An overnight storm will create forty foot waves bringing unprecedented excitement to the surfer riding the tube.  The glaciers of Alaska over the bluest of waters covered under ice are like something of fairytales and tinker bells.   The sound of a plane becomes a reminder of someone who is going to visit a long lost friend.   The Himalayas inspire the climber to reach beyond any limitations. Large thousand year old trees that stand majestic with history.  Your first box of shrinky-dink’s.

Listen to your life and the energy that surrounds you because it has so much to say.  This ever-present approach shall lead to coincidences that leave you feeling extremely connected to the world.   Having undeniable faith that the world will give you what you ask of it so you are careful what you ask for.   Whenever you see a dandelion, make a wish.  Find the love and empathy in our exchanges with strangers because they can’t.  Being able to take a deep breath, lend a helping hand and share a smile with a neighbor.  Look around you at least once a day and say "Thank You So Much".  Give respect to a child so he may hold on to his free will just a little bit longer.  Being thankful and gracious and showing gratitude for the little things will keep you smiling all day long.  Being humble and open to new possibilities will find you going with the flow of this ever-changing thing that we call life.  

Appreciate all that has come before.  Yet live in your intention for the future and you shall find yourself embracing what is now.  This precious moment is a gift. Our present.

When we live in our moments we have found true love and it is with this love that all things will grow and the birds will spread their wings and the flowers will bloom and you will live to your true potential.

There is no gift greater that we can give ourselves, then the gift of living with the wonderment of a child.

© 2010

Choose Yes

You know how sometimes when you loose something, you become beside yourself with grief trying to find it. You keep looking for it even in places you know it can’t possibly be. Is this what we do when we are looking for someone? Could that be why sometimes we end up with the wrong person? We were looking in the wrong place to begin with?

But where is the right place and when do we know it’s the right person? How do we let go of that which is not right for us? How do we accept the person that is? How do we let go of the things that were instilled in us as kids? Why is it so much easier to believe negative criticism than high praise? Why did we believe that? Why do we seek out what will help us escape and give us false hope and happiness for a night? Why do we not believe in ourselves when everyone around us believes in us? What is it they see that we don’t see? Is it possible to turn it around? To turn ourselves around and see that we are made from greatness?

Let’s choose yes. Let’s speak in the first person and speak with intention. Let’s make these statements emphatically and let’s keep saying them over and over until they become a part of us. Isn’t our own encouragement worth a few minutes of the day? The time is now. Let’s say this loud and clear.

“I believe in me.  I know implicitly, that I have a realm of possibilities at my disposal and I know utterly and completely that I am capable of so much.  I set my goals high and I follow through with conviction. I am here to serve and I lead by example. I owe it to myself and to everyone around me, to live up to my true potential.  I know that I hold the secret to my own success.  It is my turn to shine.  I am very deserving.  I can afford it and I accept all the riches that life has to offer.  I welcome and accept the beauty of life.  I trust and therefore attract and accept trustworthy people in my life.  I let go wholeheartedly of my limiting beliefs.  I release them.  I am brave and courageous and willing and able. I embrace my opportunities with the respect they deserve.  I am beautiful and I am loved.” 




© 2010

Help is on the Way

Dear God, Universe, Higher Consciousness,

May you find it in your heart to help us find our true path.  Help the greedy to be humbled and help the poor for they are so many.  Please see us all through any times of hardship and despair.  May everyone have food on their tables, love for their children and roofs over their heads.  Though we may encounter conflict, strife or sorrow please help everyone to believe in themselves, each other and a bigger picture of possibilities.  May we lose our interest in power and instead find the joy in sharing.  May we give love to all whom we meet and extend a helping hand.  Let us know that a smile for a stranger goes a long way and a word of encouragement to a child can change the course of their future. Please let us not look down to those we perceive as below us, for we no not their circumstance. Let us remember that we are all creations of time and space and we can be gone tomorrow.  Please help us to persevere through our most challenging obstacles.  Guide us so that we may shine our light down the darkest of alleyways.  Please assist us on our path so that we may offer opportunities to those who are less fortunate.   Please help corporate America restructure to create more jobs.  May you have faith in us that we may have faith in ourselves.  Please channel your energy through us so that we may be pathfinders for the future, proper guidance for the youth, and patience for the old that may have forgotten who they are.  Please help the leaders of the world.  Help them lead by example by pursuing peace, help them turn the global economy around, and please assist us so that the lands of war may find peace.  Please help us all help each other so that we may get through these arduous times and uplift the energy on a level of global consciousness.  May we all find peace, love, good health and prosperity.  May we wake each morning with love in our hearts, smiles on our faces, encouragement in our words and sincerity in our souls.  

May we disparage fear from our lives and evolve consciously as a whole.  Please help us to experience love, compassion and empathy toward our fellow man, woman and child.  Help us to greet each day with love in our hearts, be the master of our emotions, know we are nature's greatest miracle, and to live each day as if it were our last. 

With undeniable faith, I ask this for all of us in gratitude...

Amen




© 2010