What If

If I were a thought I would share.  A memory I would remember.  If I were a laugh I would travel through the air.  If I were a question I would ponder.  If I was a hypothesis I would test it.  If I were a molecule I would not be able to multiply. 

If I were a bird I would fly like Johnathan Livingston Seagal.  A tiger I would be the largest of the four cats.   A flower I would bloom.  If I were a penguin I would have happy feet.  A polar bear I would chase fish through holes in the ice.  If I were a female cricket I wouldn’t chirp. 

If I were a mountain I would stand tall.  A lily pad I would float.  If I were a tear I would shed.  An article I would inform.  If I were a cloud I would dissipate.  If I were snow I would fall.

If I were a window I would show you the world.  If I were a plane I would take you far away.  A lullaby I would soothe you.  If I were a dream I would come true. 

If I knew it all I wouldn’t wonder.  If I wasn't curious I wouldn't question.  If I am more than the idea of just the girl that I was then who would that make me now? 

Signs

I'm trying to heed my own advise.  It's not always easy and I'm starting to wonder if I am just prone to negative thoughts.  I guess it would be inevitable having grown up in a world of verbal abuse and neglect that my wounds would run deep.  Questioning myself all the time is harrowing.

But I am thankful that these days I don't give in.  I am a fighter.  I am stronger than the disparaging voices of my past and although the damage is done, I can be my own woman and lift myself up and away from whatever discriminating mother voice tries to conquer me.

This weekend was very emotional for me.  The past couple of weeks have been very emotional.  Well hell, my whole life has been very emotional!   But I keep getting up brushing myself off and trudging forward.  I have things to accomplish, time to make up for, and people to help.

Helping others helps me.  I've always known that I wanted to give back in some way.  I want to help kids that have been faced with my same past.  I want to help them rise above it.  I am more passionate about this mission then I am about anything in my life right now.  I don't want kids to grow up with my struggles.

There is only so much I can do and I know that.  But one of the things I realized I can do is to take what I know and apply it to what I can do.

Some friends and I are launching a company that will bring art, music and happiness to kids of all ages.  I come from a production background.  It's what I know.  So I figured out a way to combine my loves.

Over the weekend we shot a teaser for my documentary.  We are going to bring art, music and new shoes to kids in the system.  Staggering numbers of abused kids are entering into foster care.  Kids that have and are experiencing verbal abuse and neglect.  They need to know laughter.  They need our help.

After we wrapped shooting the teaser I was sitting here by myself and the questioning started. The tears found me and the voice of my past had me second guessing myself.  I had thoughts of giving up.  I thought my idea would never work.  blah, blah, blah... The voice of a mother who had no faith in me.

I haven't indulged in what I call my Sunday night trash TV in a long time.  But three times throughout my day yesterday something kept telling me to watch these two shows.

This is going to sound silly to you perhaps but not to me.  To me I was given huge gifts!  Huge gifts that tell me that I am on my right path.  Something I have come to call God Winks based on the book by Squire Rushnell.  Messages from someone somewhere that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and that I am getting better and listening to my positive receptors.

The first show had one of the lead characters facing her past of how she was abused as a child.  The second show had one of the couples interviewing at a foster care company.

I went to bed knowing that what I am doing is going to help them and help me and today the world is a better place because of it.

The signs are everywhere.  If we just look for them.

Are you looking out for your signs?

Rendition of Color

One of my favorite sensory memories is the smell the morning after a big rain.  I love it.  I am reminded of early summer mornings in New York waiting for the bus to pick me up for day camp.

The senses are a powerful thing.  Our senses provide us with protection.  They show us beauty and sorrow. They help us touch the heart of others and in hearing the sounds of symphonies.

If you were to think about it you would figure out that one of your senses is your "power sense".  The one that stands out the most.  I read once that we can increase our sensibilities through practice.

Being the envelope pusher that I am, it was inevitable that I choose to work on my sixth sense.  My power of intuition.  My innate ability to learn, experiment, and create my existence and my experiences.

I test the theories constantly and the more responses I get the more I look forward to.  Today on my morning walk I was feeling optimistic about my endeavors but I noticed that something was a little off.  I decided to use my senses to see what I could surmise.

Taking in my environment I noticed that the water in the canal was very low, the sky had taken on a somber grey, the bushes looked a bland shade of green and the dirt a constant step ahead of me on the path was the flavorless color of oatmeal.

Where was my head space that I couldn't see in color?

It took me most of my walk to figure it out but then I had an epiphany.  I have spent the last five days writing my book proposal and the last two of those writing my chapter summaries.  In doing so I have had to "relive" the unpleasant moments of the past.  I have had moments of anger, times of tears flowing freely onto the computer keys and moments of emptiness at the incongruity of it all.  My bleak mostly colorless past that sometimes gets the best of me.

In the moment that my olfactory senses picked up on the correlation, I let it go.  I let go of my past and my pain and my mother and my childhood and my fears and my sorrow and my searching outside myself for happiness.

I enveloped myself in love and honored myself as a woman.  Pure and simple.  Me.  A woman standing on her own with humility in her soul, love in her heart and exuding her own natural rendition of color.

What are your senses telling you?

Words Renamed

When I don't write I miss it.  It has become a friend to me. A confidante. A place to call home.  The one constant in my life that has never betrayed me, or left my side, or didn't embrace me when I was crying.  For me the words come and the world fades aways and purity finds me willingly. 

Tonight I honor the words that have seen me through my darkest hours, lifted me out of hopelessness and encouraged me to become the woman that I am today.

Words are powerful and can invoke change, love, laughter, and integrity. Words can change a persons life forever. 

They come from many sources.  A billboard that left me laughing, a poem that left me breathless, a Daily OM that made me sigh, or an email from the Universe that was exactly what I needed to hear.  From the many books that became my mentors (authors like Deepak Chopra, Og Mandino, Napolean Hill, and Dr. Wayne W. Dyer) or an affirmation that I carry in my pocket. No matter where they came from, or how I heard them, it still stands that... thoughts become things...

Be as good as your word, dream big, make a wish, live each day as if it were your last, treat your body as your temple, do unto other as you would have done unto you, your most vital commitment is your commitment to yourself, and the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful then the risk it took to blossom, all our words are but crumbs that fall down from the feast of the mind, being is the great explainer, don't go to sleep angry, when you find what you love follow it with all your heart, acknowledge your personal growth, the world will give you what you ask of it, so ask wisely, don't sweat the small stuff, everything I ever needed to know I learned in kindergarten, home is where the heart is, choose love, you don't lack a single thing, be beautiful, live up to your true potential, a house with no curtains has nothing to hide, be compassionate, experience empathy, listen more than you speak, love is confession so today come out with your truth, it only takes one second in time, one friend, one leap of faith, to change everything forever, if you leap the net will appear, just surrender, just be, expect the unexpected, accepting full responsibility for every little thing in your life, is what opens the floodgates to joy and power, choose happiness...

Today give a compliment to a stranger, a friend, and yourself... come on... spread the word.

Agreements

I am trying very hard to stay optimistic on my journey. This test of nature vs. nurture that I somehow signed myself up for is like an amusement park ride.  I get dizzy.  I find myself one minute ecstatic at the prospect of what lay ahead and then one thing sets me off and I am questioning my own beliefs and purpose.

Constantly trying to keep myself uplifted can be a chore.  I love being happy and I love being positive but sometimes I am just plain grumpy.  Sometimes I let people and/or circumstances get the best of me.  Sometimes I let myself get the best of me! And if I am not careful my frustration can cover me in a veil of contention.

I get affected.  It's true. I expect people to have integrity. To be honest. To be loyal.  To care.  I expect too much.  I expect too much of people and of myself.  If I could be granted one wish in life.  My wish would be that everyone achieve a state of empathy.  

In the meantime I shall choose to look on the bright side.

As a "people" we are far from flawless.  And that's okay.  Our flaws give us character.  It's our flaws that teach us how to be better but allow us to be human.  I am trying too hard. I care too much.  I know.  I always do and I always will.

Growing up knowing that whatever you did would never be good enough for the genius mother who birthed you is draining to say the least.  Of all the things I need to let go of in life this has created my biggest challenge.  This is not American Idol!  I need to stop judging!  I can just do my best, today.  Be who I am, today.  Feel what I have to feel, today.  Embrace the challenges.  Cuddle the accomplishments and finally let myself off the proverbial hook I have been hanging from.

Years ago I happened upon a book that would shed some light on my misguided youthful approach to the world.  Today I need to be reminded of the messages in this practical and insightful code for life.  I share them with you...

The Four Agreements by, Don Miguel Ruiz
agreement 1
Be impeccable with your word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

agreement 2

Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

agreement 3

Don’t make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

agreement 4

Always do your best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Do you agree?

Live Happy Love Often

Happy Valentine's Day

Shhhh

Have you ever tried to recall something in a conversation but it just doesn't come to mind?  You know what the answer is.  It's right there on the tip of your tongue but arghh you just can't remember.  And no matter how hard you try to think the answer through your lips.  Nothing.

Then ironically hours later when you're leisurely driving, or walking and just not thinking.  Voila!  The answer pops into your head!

The art of clearing your mind (meditation) has been used for thousands of years by people all over the world.  Native American tribes used meditation as a form of connecting to the earth (their mother).  Buddhist meditation is a means of reaching upward and outward toward enlightenment. Even religious prayer is a form of meditation. There are many forms of meditation and with its wide spread recognition it has even found its way into western scientific research.

Meditation has been known to heal us, change us, and save us.  It can bring clarity, invoke insightfulness and grant us the answers that we seek.

You don't have to sit for hours at a time to clear your mind.  You don't have to be sitting at all.  You can be on a treadmill or laying in bed.

As we all know I have a lot going on.  There are things that I need to have happen to assist me in my endeavors.  There are answers that I need and when I am "in it" I can't always come up with solutions.

I walk every morning with Sir Henry (my 17 month old morkie-poo). On these morning walks I clear my head.  I pick one thing I need the answer to.  I get into a place of intention and I start walking.  I look up and around me.  I try not to look down at the ground (well, except for the occasional glance so I don't step in something unruly).  I watch the ducks splash around in the canals, the birds take off through the sky, and the clouds clear the way for the sun.  I let my mind take me where it needs to go.

This morning I set out for an answer I have been thinking about since yesterday.  Nothing was coming to mind.  I went to sleep, woke with the sun, and set out with a clear mind and within 5 minutes of walking the path the answer came to me.  Loud, clear, and concise.   I am so excited about my answer that as soon as I get done writing this I am going to get started on writing out my vision draft... remember?  The one I mentioned the other day, that I read about in Inc. magazine.  (I'll let you know how it goes!)

Clearing your mind helps you listen to your life and the answers are always there.  Within you.  I got 2 answers out of my morning walk today!  I haven't really known what I was going to write about next.  Then as Sir H and I were almost home we passed by this one beautiful rose.  It was all by itself and as I walked by my inner voice said, "Don't forget. Stop and smell the flowers" so I turned around, went back to that flower took a deep breath and thanked it for it's beauty.

Then when I was about a block away my inner dialogue got so excited!  I knew what I was going to write about and I had to go back and take a picture of that beautiful flower that prompted my words, my insights and my gratefulness.

The answers are within.  Are you listening?

A Bigger Picture

Sometimes I fall prey to old habits.  I am not proud of these moments.  They are actually annoying and tiresome.  But I try not to judge.  Life has it's ups and downs and the key to life could just be as simple as having more ups than downs but knowing to appreciate the downs and what the lessons are.  Charles Haanel, author of the Master Key System said, "Our ability to appropriate what we require for our growth from each experience determines the degree of harmony that we attain.  Difficulties and obstacles are necessary for our wisdom and spiritual growth."

I have always believed that I am here for some bigger purpose.  I mean how could I have had the childhood that I did if there wasn't a plan for me?  How could I survive the 9 lives of a cat relatively unscathed?  My difficulties and obstacles were to strengthen me, humble me, and help me believe in my bigger picture.

They help me find my unequivocal determination to better myself as a person and I hope this accounts for something.  And I do know that with self-discipline, determination and some good old fashion luck anything is possible.

One of my favorite sayings is, "The more I practice the luckier I get."  There is speculation over which golfer said it, some think Arnold Palmer, while others think Gary Player but in the end it doesn't matter who said it.

What matters is the truth in the statement.  Self-discipline plays a huge role in finding success, happiness and self-esteem.  Luck is born from these moments.  Some people say they don't believe in luck while others believe in luck but they never have any.

I used to say, "I am the luckiest unlucky person ever."  Well guess what.  I was exactly that.  Something bad would happen to me but something good would come out of it. Or it would happen the other way around.  Then one day I had an epiphany.  What if I just said, "I am lucky" and leave off the unlucky part?

I set out to focus on the things I could change, the manageable tasks, the baby steps.  And I realized, my focus were my thoughts and my thoughts became my reality.

Do you know that if a bad thought comes into your head, all you have to do is say the word positive and you change your thought process?  Our thoughts pave the road we are on.  Our thoughts take us places.  Our thoughts can change our lives.  Thoughts are our mental pictures about ourselves and everything around us and we have the power to choose what we think about.  

This power of thought allows us to envision what our everyday is going to be like.  Our thoughts can also take us by surprise.  Like thinking to yourself, "I want sushi tonight" and then that very night you are sitting at a sushi bar.  Simple right?  You thought something and it came true.  This is an example of what Malcolm Gladwell calls the "Blink Moment"  We all have them.  But life moves so fast and we don't always listen.  If we can hone the craft of listening to our thoughts, they can help us make the right decisions.  

If you are trying to reach higher in your life let your thoughts take you there.  We all deserve the best and we all deserve a chance.  We have to love ourselves enough to go after what is important to us.  We must believe in our visions, our dreams, and our ability to create the ultimate life worth living.

In this months issue of Inc. there is an article on the power of visioning.  Try an experiment.  Pick something you want and follow the steps to envisioning it into reality.  It can't hurt right?  And you might even have some fun.  You might even get what you envision!  Now isn't that worth the old college try?

Forward moving February

My astrology zone for the month has informed me that as of the new moon on February 2nd, Neptune, Mars, The Sun and the new moon are having a party in Aqaurius!  Well, I am inviting all of you!  All of those who are ready to play, laugh, and prosper, can join in the glorious fun of achievement, friends and family.  This can be a very social and lucky time for all of us.  I say whether we believe or not, we can still choose to join in the fun.  It can't hurt right? 

How about this for a theory... If it's true that we are all energy and the earth is energy and the planets around us are energy, well, isn't all energy inter-connected?  Doesn't that make us "one" with everything around us?  This could be great news!  This could mean that everything we do and everything we are is part of a collaborative effort.  Something bigger than each of us.  But something that belongs to all of us.  We are all a part of this one big vast ball of energy and the roles we play in life are us communicating our energy with the energy of everyone and everything around us.  


Imagine it this way... Think of it as having invisible help in all of your endeavors!


I don't know about you but the thought that I have the whole world behind me, with me,  helping me, makes me feel stronger, more couragous and loved.  It has also left me breathless, and extremely excited about continuing my quest of giving back when I can.  So much to be thankful for!


I know my sometimes debatable approach hasn't gone unnoticed but you know what?  Great!  I would thank Carl Sagan if he were still with us.  He was an Astronomer who, in his lifetime, received the NASA medal for Exceptional Scientific Achievement, he was the recipient of the Public Welfare Medal, and a Pulitzer Prize winner (to name just a few of his accomplishments).  In a lecture he said, "We would be arrogant to think we are the only ones".  It was thanks to his words that I became enamored with arcane subjects and have reworded this impactful sentence to get me through some arduous times. 


In college I had the privilege of attending a lecture by Ellie Wiesel. He is a world renowned  writer, a professor, a political activist, a Nobel Laureate, and a Holocaust survivor.  It was the holocaust survivor part that really got me.  I remember thinking, "Okay this is going to be interesting but oh so depressing".  I never laughed so much in my life.  Now every time I think of Mr. Wiesel I smile to myself.  That's some powerful stuff!  I am thankful to him for helping me find the laughter in adversity!


And of course, another of my favorites, Plato.  It was his dialogues about his relationship with Socrates that taught me my love of questioning!  So much so that I wrote this as a teenager when I first started reading Plato...  "A rhetorical question and the socratic method.  How would Plato fend in the 90's and what corrections would his mistakes make?"


If we're all thinking and questioning we could be on to something.  We're sharing.  We're contributing to the possibilities. Change. Growth. Love. Harmony.  Family. Prosperity. Kindred Spirits.  Forward moving.  Peace.

Are you coming to the party?  What can you bring?

Shoot for the Moon

Life never ceases to amaze me.  I've been puzzled over some recent turn of events and I am having trouble accepting that maybe I am supposed to learn some lesson from the exchange.  I question this!  Maybe you can help me?

As most of you know I spent the first quarter of my life being insulted, criticized and verbally abused.  And those of you who know me, also know that I have spent all of my adult life uplifting myself into a place of confidence, value and self-esteem.

Shouldn't my rising above my circumstance be proof that I am well-educated in the subject.  My theory is that people are negative or bitter because somewhere along the line they forgot their true worth.  We weren't born into this world to just get by.  We were born to bloom!

The other day someone I have been working with very closely told me this story (this is one of many similar stories), "I met this girl who said she came to L.A. to be a star. And I looked at her and laughed and said, join the club honey."   He went on to say more to the same effect and I was astonished.  What gives any of us the right to shed darkness on someone else's dream?  Just because one person doesn't make it in a given field does not mean that the next person who comes along, as far-fetched to us as it may seem, doesn't become a huge success.

Why can't we all just believe in ourselves and each other?  Why can't we believe that if we shoot for the moon, that worse that can happen is, we land in the stars?  And if we can't believe for whatever limiting beliefs we have inflicted on ourselves, why can't we just shut the f**k up.  Doesn't everyone know the old adage, if you don't have something nice to say then don't say anything at all?

I am an undeniable, unequivocal believer in our potential as people.   It has taken me a long time to believe in myself and my possibilities.

If we weren't meant for greatness and we didn't believe in ourselves, then there would be no Bill Gates of the world, no Mother Teresa's and certainly no one running for President!

Negativity breeds like a cancer.  It is contagious and engaging and scary.  Look at what's happening to me right now... these negative exchanges have left me sleepless, distraught and depleted.  I am reminded of my past and the negativity plays like a broken record.

My mother did teach me some valuable lessons.  One of those lessons was to not listen to what people say to us in anger because they might as well be looking at themselves in the mirror (perhaps her way of telling me not to listen to her? Oh! I just had an aha moment!).  Well, anyway, I think this holds true with negativity.  But the dilemma now is, what do I do about it?  I've tried to express my concern and the response is always, you are up here and I am here and we meet in the middle.  Well I don't feel like we are in the middle.  I feel like I have been brought down to that preverbal gutter of negativity that I have spent my life trying to get out of.  I don't want these to be my thoughts and I certainly don't want to engage in the gloomy game of accusations.

I couldn't wait to write this out today.  My way of brushing myself off and finding my footing again so that I may find myself once again, skipping along the stars like a cobblestone street.

Are you dangling from the moon?  Will you share?

Some Simple Wisdom

Because a thing seems difficult for you, do not think it impossible for anyone to accomplish. 


~Marcus Aurelius

Love Actually

I made my first statistics list before my first birthday and I believed that my fate was sealed.   I came into this world because it was to late for other arrangements.  As I got older I struggled to find my place in the world.   I was lonely and I was lost. But most of all I was angry.   Angry at the genius mother who couldn't love me.   Angry at the military father who was never there.   I was angry at my Self for what had become my life. Why didn't I have the answers?   Why couldn't I fix it?   Fix my parents and fix my Self.   Frustration and rebellion would set in like a bad rerun and I couldn't turn it off.   I feared everyone and trusted no one.   I was the quintessential representative of a misplaced youth and I was face down in the proverbial gutter.   I didn't know if I would ever get up.   I just lay there in a puddle of my own tears.   Drenched and depleted I prayed.   I prayed for guidance and help and love.   I am simultaneously launching a new company and writing a book proposal for my 1st novel to submit to publishers.  Somehow we prosper!  We are able to push ourselves to new limits and it's then that we start to realize our true potential. We must hold ourselves accountable and then we will become conscious. Conscious to a life worth living and the possibility that we are all so very special.  The biggest lesson on my journey is that we do have power. We do have worth and our words can make a difference.  And I hope that by some miracle my experiences and my sometimes questionable approach may shed some light, spark a fire or give some insight for all of us.   I know the world does not revolve around me.  I realize that we are all in this together.  In some way shape or form we all have our shit.  And the best way to get through life is to find people who's shit is compatible with ours.   I hope my writings help change our world a little bit.  Help someone know that they weren't the only one who had bad things happen to them.  To know that the world will give us what we ask of it so we must be careful what we wish for.  And perhaps it is conceivable that we can negate the disparaging voices from our past. This is about sharing in the process and not being afraid of the rejections, the inspirations, the positive influences, the negative influences, the process of dealing with daily life.  This is where we can be reminded of the value and the power that a kind word or a smile or some love can hold for someone who is living life with their head down.  I was that person for far too long.  My friend Betheny challenged me to an experiment.  Everyday I am to look 10 strangers in the eyes and smile.  Sounds easy right? For me it is a terrifying prospect.  But I love experiments!  So I find the courage in her intention for me to live outside my shell and meet new people.  It's even getting easier, well for the most part,  when I can stay out of my head long enough to know it's not that deep.  And the most important thing is I am smiling and I am making someone else smile and a smile can go a long way.  Like Love... Nothing moves mountains like love! We all have love in our hearts.  So let's focus on the love.   Today let's focus on the things we love about ourselves and silently say "I love you" to everyone we meet.   Do you have some love to share with the world?

Full Circle

Sometimes life gets the best of me.  I let it.  Sometimes I wallow.  Too much thinking.  Too much comparing.  I don't have to be the quintessential dark side that I grew up with.  I don't have to be my mothers daughter knowing my mother wasn't capable of being a mom.  I don't have to compare myself to some Cimmerian fascination.  This is the 21st Century after all.  Pause.  This is me.  This is me sitting in the middle of the floor hoping the food will comfort me.  Hoping the tears will satiate my wanting.

Thoughts become things and I fear that sometimes I think myself right onto the path of following in my mothers footsteps.  Why is the grass always greener?  The wonder always pertinent?  My fears my reality?  I spend a lot of time alone.  Not lonely.  But alone like I was born from some Basquait painting.

The unequivocal need to separate myself from a past that should hold no bearing leaves me contemplative and crying.  Breaking the chains that bind me prove irreverent sometimes and I can't tear myself free.

Not everything needs to come full circle does it?  Can I step out of it like a ticket line?  Wallowing in self-pity doesn't suit me.  The blanket of food doesn't fit me anymore.  And the incessant relaying of similarities has overstayed their welcome.  I am not her anymore then she was me and this isn't some painting or song or symphony.  This is my life.  I guess sometimes even I need to be reminded.  Reminded of a promise I made to myself.  My own words venturing once again to teach me...

A leap of faith and I join you in an epic adventure.  An autonomous decree that if I miss, the stars will catch me.  I become one with you and the world is an illumination.  Me the shadow dancer being beckoned to embrace the splendor.  The flight of an angel. Protected from the fears of adolescence.  Guided through clouds of promises. Gratitude holds us high. Traveling the summit of our consciousness.  Only the inner wonderment of a child shall find us airborne.  Defying gravity. Immersed in the blue moon. The beauty of natures charms open their arms to us.  Below the grass green and untouched. I can smell the flowers and I bask in their ability to wear their Sunday best. Not a wrinkle in their stems or a pedal out of place on their heads. The light breeze sings for them, as they dance for me.  My leap of joy. I believe. The awareness has made me one with the energy fields around me and so I ascend in harmony. I am set free. I shall rise to the occasion. Choose life. An answered prayer, a silent lullaby, a dream come true. Help me stay on course. Help me to live like a butterfly. Help me glide. Help me love. Help me belong. Help me trust. Help me keep my promise.

Empty your Pockets

It's a Sunday morning on the coast and the clouds make their way to shore.  The smell of rain is in the air and the cleansing should come soon.  Being the over thinker has my brain working overdrive and the off button seems to be stuck.  The dryer bustles in the background and the smell of dryer sheets is instantly calming.  The sound of a flute joining the piano soothes my indecisive temperament while the perilous nature of uncertainty makes it's own assessment.  Birds take flight in unison and my puppy let's me love him.  The to-do list grows a mind of it's own and you wonder why everything takes so long.  You go out of your way to make things right but the light won't turn green and the traffic can get backed up for miles.  No one can let you down if you don't allow them to hold you up.  Another birthday comes and goes and breakfast isn't ready yet.  The iambic pentameter tries to find me today and that's okay.  We have come a long way from pictograms and it's just another day.  History has a way of repeating itself if you let it in while breaking the binds of pattern can release you from sin.  A society based in what's it all for and how far have we really come?  Are you willing to join your mirror or are you still wondering where you're from?  Sometimes a self inflicted lullaby can set you free as if you were a new found miracle left out for the world to see.  Dr. Seuss had it right when he found the Wocket in his pocket and in closing he let us know... "I don't care if you believe it.  And I hope we never leave it".

Ace of Hearts

To my King of Hearts… Masquerade hearts don't keep from getting broken and what we dwell on becomes our identity. I don't want to wear it anymore.  A wink. A smile. A laugh. Emotions on my sleeve and I feel I'm torn in half. Is there a happily ever after in the land of effervescent rainbows? Paintings find me peaceful and I welcome the quiet. I try to gather my thoughts but am easily distracted. A Carpathian novel and I will not settle. The hazel eyes of a wolf intrigue me. Come for me. The statue of a woman who stands on her own. Flowers on a table and I feel so far from home. Nothing left to be forgotten and you're looking through Oscar Wildes memory. I'm trying to listen to my life that has so much to say. Can you unravel me? Hunger finds me vulnerable and I feel shy. It calls out to you. I'm not sure why. Dance with me barefoot and kiss my mouth. Waterfall lyrics reveal me. What's this? A coin in a wishing well, one I must have missed. Once upon a time of fascination. A glimpse. A tingle. A Breath. No more disguise. Just a girl with kaleidescope eyes.

Your...  Queen of Hearts.

Self Indulgence

Moon shadows flowers bloom and I am smiling.  The night falls and stars fill my sky.  Sleep comes to find me and I welcome it willingly. A soft gentle kiss on my cheek and I blush.  The peaceful wonderments of a life worth listening to.  A speciality in motion and a secret crush, a shared laugh and it's a distant memory.  Glistening eyes and I am naive and vulnerable.  Give me something to think about.  Make me laugh.  And I'll giggle. A ride on a rail train.  You drink my shirley temple and I'll eat the ice.  Everything is valuable and we should stop to smell the flowers.  Make a wish.  A night in shining armor and dreams of a kiss.  A moment long gone but now I've found my smirk.  A lesson learned and I've broken the lineage.  A new past is set in motion and I won't look back.  Not attracted to that which I can't have.  Skipping along my journey, my own yellow brick road.  I feel set free.  I've found the butterfly in me.  Forever.

A Subtle Touch

As the voice in you touches me... I speak

                                     As your words touch my mind.... I open

As your fingers touch my flesh... I weaken

                                     As your body touches mine... I lengthen

As your lips touch mine... I soften

                                     As the life in you touches me... I live

Time Travel

Here I am again... knowing there is no catching up to the time that passes, but finding my way to my words again.  I can't go back.  It's been months since my last blog entry and I won't be able to call for a do over.  What's done is done.

But it's not about what we haven't done or what we didn't do.  It's about all the things that we can find that we can appreciate about life and about ourselves and for every thing big or small that we are thankful for.  All the things that we can create that lay ahead of us.  I have to look at the traveled pavement as I view the sky.  With wonder.  I have been through so many ups and downs made so many wrong turns but I hold tight to my optimistic nature and put one foot in front of the other.

I just came off a big travel job and I find myself spent with exhaustion.  And somehow the emptying out of all my energy finds me open-minded and full of clarity.  In the peace and quiet I have found my spirit and my ethereal approach to that which I love most...  Wondering, pondering, and daydreaming.  My indisputable love for that which I can't control but love to question.

There have been many challenging moments and I haven't always made the right choices, but I learn.  I choose to learn and be humble and open and forthcoming.

If we let it... time will teach us our most valuable lessons... We will learn to travel through our lives embracing the answers hidden in the adversity, the answers shining in our good fortune and the answers kneeling before us in humility.

There are a lot of things in my life that I don't have but courage isn't one of them and I am realizing that of all things I have learned in my travels a little courage can go a long way in teaching us how to rise above any situation.

I don't have much practice with dating so I am not very good at it but I have decided to feel the fear and do it anyway.  If I don't date then the man of my dreams out there somewhere looking for me may never find me.

I don't know if anyone will read the book I am writing but if one person embraces it and it helps them live a better life then every hour spent writing every word will have been worth it.

I dont' know if the company I am launching is going to be a huge success but if I am able to get it off the ground at all then I know I accomplished something else I can be proud of.

I don't know what tomorrow holds but I know what I have today and I choose to embrace myself, share with strangers, and show love to my friends as my friends show to me.

I don't know much but I do know that one person can make a big difference one person at a time.  A little love travels a long way.

What are you doing with your time?

The Paradox of Wonder

Always the constant wonderer it was inevitable that I get to the crux of it all. Well, to the crux of where I am today.  We all know this could change when the wind changes direction.  But for now, I find myself accepting me for everything I have ever done and for all the things I have tried, tested, passed and failed at and I have had yet another glorious epiphany.

I find myself embarking on yet another journey.  But this time I have not been questioning it.  I am taking the moments as they come and I find myself doing what is needed to be done.  The happiness finds me waking to the possibilities that my new endeavor is unfolding before my very eyes.  Proof that the life we live is for a reason.  All the many steps we have ever taken were necessary to get to where we are today.

Dharma?  Quite possibly.  Because if we are doing what we are supposed to be doing then the path of least resistance shall lay itself out before us like the yellow brick road.  It's only if we choose to trust and stay the course that the proof of our destiny will unfold.

Basking in the happiness of my current journey I took a good long look at my own history.  My wondering why I was always reinventing myself and how I could wear so many hats has been revealed.  I have seen the consequences of each and every door I have ever walked through and the occasional window I jumped out of.

Memory lane shows me the significance of my choices and I am left being nothing but grateful for the opportunities, adversities and the accomplishments.

If it wasn't for working in advertising I wouldn't know how to market my new idea. If it wasn't for the awareness of what being in transference can do to our current relationships, I wouldn't have the relationship I have now with my sister. If it wasn't for working in production I wouldn't know how to keep my project on budget. If it wasn't for me being moved around a lot, I wouldn't be as adept at conforming to any circumstance.  If it wasn't for me being on my own, I wouldn't be this independent. If it wasn't for me being hurt, I wouldn't be this humble.  If it wasn't for me working in restaurants, I wouldn't be this social.  If it wasn't for me working in sales, I wouldn't know that for every no we are closer to that yes.  If it wasn't for me always wondering, I wouldn't know that the world will give you what you ask of it.

This "if it wasn't for" list goes on and on and gives me so much to be thankful for.  The courage it takes to make a list like this can help you see into a side of you that you didn't know existed.   You may find you are in your wrong job or with the wrong person or you may find that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  Either way is great news and can help you continue down your path or encourage you to try a different route at the next fork in your road.

In all of this I am accepting myself as I am and with that has come some great strides. I know I have the habit of constantly contradicting myself.  It can be exhausting to the people around me and even to me sometimes.  But I keep the faith that I will work it out and figure out the message to my scattered behavior.  And I realized something very spectacular in all of this...

On my current journey, I am focussed and centered and know what I want and where I am going.  I don't feel inconsistent or scattered.  My answers are precise and my direction is forward.

My investigations into my own behaviors have proved the perfect paradox of wonder.

Have you been doing any wondering?

On the Other Side of Life

It's working.  Not being a survivor is serving me well.  I ask for help when I need it and yet I still fend for myself.  I know that everything is falling into place and I am not forcing it.  I am living with intention and the luck has found it's way to me.  I have faith in who I am and yet I am still challenging the power of my subconscious mind.

In essence I have been practicing the art of doing nothing.  I don't mean nothing in the true sense of the word.  I mean nothing as in I am not stressing over what I must have.  I am enjoying what I do have.  I am not worried about tomorrow because I am to busy embracing today.  I am not worrying about what the future holds because I am living in the moment.

A moment holds many variables.  A lot can happen in a moment.  In one single moment, I can take a deep breath as I take in the life happening around me...  a bird chirps for it's mother and a sea lion jumps into the ocean off the dock, I over hear someone say, "I love you" and that brings a smile to my face, then someone starts up a boat in the distance as a family of ducks walks by looking for crumbs.  And just when the moment is almost up my puppy jumps into my lap to lick my face and the moment ends to the sound of me laughing.

Life is what we make of it and what we make of our life starts with what we think about ourselves and the life we are living.  Thoughts become things and what we dwell on becomes our reality.  Let go of the labels and the limiting beliefs.  Let go of the judgements of yourself and of others.  Live and let live.  Relinquish the control.  Feel the fear and do it anyway.  De-brainwash yourself.

Cut out the negative thoughts by replacing them with a positive counterpart.  In the beginning just simply saying the word "positive" when you think something negative will stop the thought dead in it's tracks.  Trick yourself into believing the best of everything and the best of everything will find you. Do whatever it takes and say whatever you have to say to yourself to know that we create our own destiny.

We are responsible for our own lives and our lives are meant to be great!  Life on the other side is filled with success at my endeavors, fulfilling exchanges with my friends, love in my heart, and acceptance for my mistakes as lessons learned.

My grandfather told me a story once that stuck with me my entire life (sometimes I just forget the story and I have to remind myself of it's message)
There was a guy walking down the street feeling really sorry for himself.  He let the pity get the best of him until he just couldn't take it anymore.. He leaned himself against a wall and slowly slid himself down the wall until he was sitting in the gutter crying like a child.  He was so self absorbed and lost in his wallowing over the fact that he didn't have any shoes that he hadn't noticed that he sat down next to another man and when he looked over at the guy... he had no feet.

What side of your life are you living on?