Check in number 6 and excerpt from my book.

Sometimes it takes venting, moving the furniture, and some good old fashion high school break up music to help you find some clarity.  Oh and some tears, but that was a given.

The truth of the matter is when we have something that scares the sh*t out of us the best thing to do is face it head on.  And usually the thing that scares us the most is the truth, so how do we face that head on?

Sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to face the truth.  Maybe that's why sometimes, the truth hurts so bad.  But the alternative, lying to yourself all the time, what good does that do you?  Or worse, lying to others.  Let's not kid ourselves our lies are obvious.  And our denials may as well be a scarf around our neck because the truth is, they are more obvious than the lies we tell ourselves.  We're not fooling anyone, well maybe except ourselves.  Ouch.

So the truth can be super scary.  It can be embarrassing or uncomfortable.  But it can also set you free.  The verity of the situation is quite simple really.

Honesty.  It has integrity.  It is incorruptible and it is trustworthy.

Honesty is unassuming.   It knows no moral high ground and it's not judgmental.  It's never jealous and certainly not accusatory.  Honesty just is.

Being honest with yourself is reliable and this path of least resistance is far from ephemeral.  Once you befriend it, honesty will stay with you forever.  It will help you find courage you didn't know you had.  It will assist you in your decision making when you hit a crossroad, it will wipe the tears from your eyes when you have worked through your fears.

These days, I am digging really deep.  I am pulling out all my fears one by one and I am getting to the bottom of it all once and for all!

I did a meditation exercise yesterday morning that might very well have changed my life as I know it.  I pictured myself as a little girl sitting alone and scared and unloved.  I sat down next to her and I comforted her.  I told her how beautiful she was and how talented and smart.  I told her she had so much to look forward to in life and that I would be there for her.  That I would love her and cherish her and make sure she was always safe.  I told her to walk with me on the beach.  So hand in hand we walked and we laughed and we talked about how amazing she was.  I stopped us as we hit the waters edge and I looked down into her sad little eyes and I said, "I love you.  You are special and you are so very loved!" and then I hugged her.  When I opened my eyes my cheeks were tear stained but my heart felt full and my burdens seemed lighter and I even mentioned to a friend yesterday that I feel like I have come out some other side again.  I feel whole.  Like I can face anything that comes my way.  I'm ready.

Let's check in.

~  I have now had 4 query rejections and 1 positive pursuit that turned out to be a scam.  But I am not bothered and it gave me a new idea of how I am going to approach this.  Today I am half way through my 3rd draft.

~  The new website is gorgeous and we should be up and running this week.  We are all really excited about it.

~  I am on hold to start a prepping a commercial this week so I am going to be crazy busy.  I love it!

~  I've gone through the business plan from my financial planner and we are now on our 2nd draft.  The BP will go out this week to investors/loaners.

~  Working on my 3rd draft has me excited so I thought I would share an excerpt.  My first 2 chapters.... Let me know what you think.

Not Just An Observer

            My life as I knew it was not doing me any great benefit nor was I doing any great benefit to it.  The salty air was clogging my brain and I couldn’t live in this cocoon any longer.  I had to move inland.  Move inland to the trees and be a Thoreau or stay at the beach and be a Dennis Hopper.  I chose Thoreau.

            Time to look within and learn something.  I’m not talking about just sitting and pondering or hiding behind the dense brush of trees and foliage while I count my breathing.  I am proposing a journey.   A first hand written account of the significant occurrences that would shape me, test me, and finally change me.

            Instinctually I knew that somehow the answers were hidden in my past.  If I could recapture the memories I would have a reference point for the patterns I repeated and I could break the lineage.  Somewhere along the way I learned that life is made up of moments.  For me, the beginning was made up of moments that would break me, test me, and threaten to ruin me.  As I got older the moments hurt me, reminded me, and kept me trapped in someone else’s fear. But I learned that it is these moments that can change us, strengthen us, and define us.

            It is time to stop fearing the change and to change the fears that stop me. So here I am and this is what brought me here.

            I got involved in a relationship that would teach me lessons of my past, awaken me to my present and give me new needs for my future.  This would be the relationship that would save me from my own worst fate.  Repeating my parent’s relationship. 

            Upon second glance I found that throughout my life I have come to find a place for myself in quantitative social statistics.  My life’s fight against nurture vs. nature has resulted in my empirical data being outlined here in these stories. These stories are narrated by my poetry.  Poetry that scribbled it’s way out of me at the ripe young age of eleven.

            Throughout the years my poetry spoke of the possibilities of rising above it all but I didn’t know enough.  I was young and naïve and lost in the self-pity of the process not the lessons my own words were trying to teach me.  I have intertwined them into my story.  The words of a teenager fighting for the freedom from herself and I think I am starting to get it now.

            “What does one do when they wake from a dream and they’re crying? The tears of a life unattended.  A missed encore.  A curtain bow. The orchestra. Sight for sore eyes and a mystery wink.  An orange jubilees and won’t take your abuse anymore.  I shall not look back in sorrow or in pain I shall look into my future and how bright it is. I shall not settle. I will not compromise my dignity, my self-respect, and my-self any longer. I am beautiful and worthy and I shall take one step at a time. I will spend my time in love and prosper. I will share and I will enlighten. I will hold myself dear to my heart and I will live in the glory that God intended for me. To shine in the light and be accountable. To get up every day and seize the moment. To make my choices and follow through with them. To be wise in my decisions and to count my blessings. Thank you to my guardian angels that have picked me up once again and have shown me how to walk. I shall be peaceful and without drama. I shall divert any such behavior away from my soul for there is no integrity in it. I will greet everyday with love in my heart and I shall be impeccable with my word. I shall listen to my life and heed its suggestions, prompts, and warnings. I shall listen well to my heart, my body and my soul. I will take time for me and I will smell the flowers. I will trust the flow of life and I will welcome change. I shall dream of beauty and love and passion... I shall set out to break the lineage of my past”.   not dated

 To Be Or Not To Be

            I was what you would call really bad timing.  I was to be the almost wasn’t, and believe you me, sometimes I wish that I wasn’t.... But so it was to be.

            I was the second born to a very young girl who was born to a Puerto Rican navel officer and a debutant southern belle from North Carolina.  She was a cute chubby girl who was daddy’s favorite little girl.  A child genius, she skipped grades in school, tested off the charts, and was misunderstood by her parents who had no schooling.  Her mother would ridicule her for being overweight and her father would beat her with a belt.  She was rebellious, bored and wise beyond her years.

            At thirteen she met a boy.  A sixteen-year-old street kid from an affluent Cuban family who had nothing better to do.  On Sundays, instead of going to church, she went to the corner of 185th and Amsterdam to fall in love.  It gave her hope.  It gave her the drive to start working at the local hospital the day she turned sixteen.  What she hid under her pillow from cleaning dirty bed sheets gave her enough money to move into her first apartment the day she turned eighteen.  A year later the street kid moved in and they had their first girl at twenty and me at twenty-one.

            There was a lot of confusion surrounding the knowledge of my attendance. By the time I was making my presence known their future together had grown very bleak.  The girl, young, scared and with one child already, had no intention of bringing another one into the world.  Not when her world was crumbling down around her.  When the abortion attempts were unsuccessful and she resigned herself to her new fate, the hatred for what grew inside her grew faster and larger than her belly.  She was consumed by resentment, fear and horror.   She wouldn’t turn to the parents who would help her when she couldn’t wait to get away from them in the first place.  She wouldn’t turn to the sister that was out singing and traveling the world.  She would turn inward to herself and her fears. And what she dwelled on would become her life… and mine...

            The street kid, now twenty-four had more on his mind than a wife, a kid and one on the way.  He found solace in some street punks and at the end of many whiskey bottles.  Drunk and slurring they discovered cocaine and a need for the money to pay for more.  This they could find in people’s homes they did not have the key to.  Things could only get worse.

            By the time I was two I had taken up permanent residence in my playpen and the street kid had taken up temporary residence in county jail.  As the story goes, I slept a lot.  I slept through the nights that the young girl cried herself to sleep.  I slept through the visits to see the street kid.  I slept through the day he returned to the apartment on the third floor.  I slept through the yelling.  The screaming.  The crying.

            Yet through closed eyes I remember.  I remember what I heard, what I saw, and where I was.  I remember who I was.  But I remember more who I wasn’t. There was so much yelling and the relentless accusations from the street kid.  He believed that I wasn’t his daughter.            His best friend was told to look in on us.

            Supposedly I was conceived during one of these visits.

            I find it very hard to believe that the young girl would have fallen into the arms of another man. The love for the street kid was all she knew and she was blinded by it.  The street kid was blinded by the paranoia of the drugs and couldn’t see through glassy eyes how much her heart beat only for him.

            The hatred in their voices was like breaking every bone in your body.            I could not dispel the sounds of sorrow and despair that had become the young girls voice.  She had become a wilted flower with weeds growing around her like a veil.  She could no longer defend herself.  She stopped fighting back.  The venomous stare was all she could give and this seemed to infuriate the street kid more than her words ever could.

            I remember wincing at the sound of the first slap.  And the scream that followed.  I can hear the furniture breaking and the sounds of fresh wounds.  I hear the hair pulled from her head and the blood come gushing out of her eye.           

            I can hear his fist come down on her with that one last blow right before I hear her limp body fall to the floor.

            I lay there shivering with fear as the door slammed behind the boy’s exit. The first silence I had ever known woke me from my sleep and into a nightmare.  Lying next to me was the young girl, motionless, still, and barely breathing.  She lay in her own pool of blood like a blanket.

            While I waited in my crib for what had become watered down milk, this nightmare became my recurring dream.  Sometimes the beatings were worse then others.  Sometimes I thought she would never get up.  Sometimes I was happy to have her lying next to me because it was the closest we ever got.

            Time passed and the boy had been kicked out and new locks put on the door of the apartment on the third floor.  But the street kid knew how to get into apartments that he didn’t have the key too.  So he would climb up the fire escape and in through the window to rob her of whatever she had left.

            He would push her to the ground, empty her wallet and give her a swift kick in the ribs before departing.  Desperation made the boy more violent.  These visits left the young girl broken like the shattered glass that surrounded her.

            By the time I was four I knew nothing of being held or coddled.  I knew a lot about yelling, fights, crying and silence.  The street kid and the young girl were getting older and the boy had spent many more nights in jail.  It was time for the street kid to get his shit together or he would find himself taking his last breath from behind bars.  Supposedly his family made arrangements with the D.A.  He was to join the Military or spend the rest of his years behind bars.

            There were some civil exchanges between the street kid and the young girl in the short time to follow.  A lot of apologies were given and a lot of promises were made.  And somewhere in the interim the street kid met someone else.  I remember standing in my Sunday best waiting for the street kid to open his new apartment door.  A pregnant girl answered the door and invited us in. They talked and talked and she gave us cookies.

            Shortly after the visit the street kid took the first-born and I to the circus. I was four.  When we got back from the circus the young girl was waiting for us across the street in front of our building.  We went running to her to tell her of what we had seen.  The First Born and I were both talking at the same time.  Both of us trying to show her the souvenirs our dad had bought us.  I saw her look above us and into the distance with the smallest nod of her head.

            All of a sudden I had the strangest feeling inside and my heart sink.  A feeling in my gut like when I had left my favorite teddy bear on the A train.   An impending feeling of doom.

            I turned slowly on the heels of my navy blue Mary-Janes and looked up into the street light where my dad should have been standing.  He was gone.  They had arranged it all.  Been planning it for weeks.  It was over. The street kid had gone and the young girl was left to her wounds and to raise the two girls on her own.  

            All I could think was, “He left me.  He left me behind to this woman who resented the very air I breathe”.  Uh oh.

            “Farewell to arms for forever and a day.  A pairing of the heart and things are cold.            A mistaken identity and a demolition. The blood runs hot and the tingling is unbearable. Time to leave. To turn our heads on what will never be. A memory under lock and key. You lose people along the way. You lose yourself if only for a day. The hills of distant lands are longing and my heart beats fast. Times change momentarily and you never get it back. Words ringing in your ears and never sorry for it. Time heals all wounds and is unlikely. Sobriety of the eyes and you fight for your composure for where you were before this started. Where you went you stayed but you forgot to lock the door. So naïve. Learn to walk again. To say goodbye could be a hello later but for now it is only this. There are no hellos in sight. Only shadows from the trees. You’re at a loss for words. It’s all very clear. Our eyes see what they want to see and our hearts play their own music. A quiet tempo in D. So deep rooted and raspy so guttural and withdrawn. So lonely and so far away. So there can be no violins. Enjoy your dark blue trident and try to forget. Things are finally so clear. You’re taking leave. Farewell now. Farewell to arms for forever and a day. Farewell for now.”   Age 12

Life With One Eye Open: Reflections

Life With One Eye Open: Reflections: "My last entry ended with me saying that I was in a mood. And it's true. I have been in a mood alright. My moods have been..."

Reflections

My last entry ended with me saying that I was in a mood.  And it's true.  I have been in a mood alright.  My moods have been on the pendulum swing but this time I rode it.  I didn't want to get off.  I needed to ride it.  Ride it out and figure out what messages I could deduce in the music.  

The orchestration of my life has missing notes, broken melodies and chords off key.  It's loud at times and barely audible at others.  I realize that while a symphonist can have the intent to make the most beautiful of music, with no composer that orchestra will produce nothing but noise.  Orchestration needs to be cared for and guided and protected or it ends up being a red hot mess of sound.  Broken composition, misguided adaptation and notes played off key are musical suicide.

That's me.  A struggling red hot mess that was born to a life with no composer.  But in that pain I find comfort.  I find the beauty in what's around me and I have a romance novel level of hope.  

I was born into a certain circumstance.  I didn't choose it.  I didn't buy it.  I can't let it hold me back.  And I sure as hell can't let it define me.  It's what I am doing with this information that determines who I am now.  And who I am now, is a girl who wakes up everyday and looks herself in the mirror and says, "Okay! Today is the day!  Let's fix something that is broken and move on!"

I've been doing a lot of research for my documentary.  I have been studying the consequences of child neglect and verbal abuse.  It has been inevitable that I be reminded and with that affected.  I see some of these consequences in myself for sure.  The ones that I try to rise above everyday.  It's not easy.  No one ever said it would be easy.  But I am doing it.  I get up everyday and face something else about myself that I don't like but that I am thankful to be aware of.  

What I am also realizing is the importance of not dwelling and replaying the incidents of my past that I am not proud of.  All I can do is know that it takes two people to have a conversation, a misunderstanding, or a disagreement.  Just like it  takes two people to say I am sorry, I love you and I am here for you always.  

I push people away, nothing is ever good enough and sometimes I can be really hard to reason with.  But I also have a history of doing what I can to help people find a better path for themselves.  I also have a history of moving on or they move on.  Sometimes it ends in a fight and sometimes it ends in a hug and a couple of elephant tears.  Sometimes it hurts and sometimes I am thankful to see them go.  

In all of this I have also mastered the art of being accountable.  I know exactly what I am doing.  And I apologize when I am wrong.   Sometimes I think I apologize even when I think the other person should be doing the apologizing just to keep the peace.  Sometimes I really don't give a sh*t one way or the other.   Like now.

Right now I care the most about my recovery, my happiness and all the people I want to try and help with my documentary.  I spent the first quarter of my life partying, arguing and running.  I don't want to run anymore.  I want to face life head on and put the denial behind me.  It's time to be brutally honest with myself and everyone around me.  

I am lucky to have people that believe in me and love me in spite of my misgivings and apprehension.  People who don't insist on picking away at what's left of me when I can do that all on my own.  People who share in the beauty and the struggle but are still verbally complimentary.  People who don't insult me or try to engage me in negative exchanges.  It's like I have said before negativity breeds like a cancer.  And cancer will kill you.  I'm not ready to die.

In all of my self discovery, somehow I have found laughter in my tears, joy in my struggles, and a willingness to persevere.  I've been doing a lot of laughing lately.  And all things considered the fact that I can find stuff to laugh about is very encouraging.  My endeavors find me hopeful and surrounded by an amazing group of friends.  Friends that I consider to be my family.  And together we make beautiful music.

The perfect epiphany.  I am now my own composer.  The life I am orchestrating is filled with positivity, love and laughter.

I am loved.  And maybe my friends love me for the same reasons I am starting to love me.  Because I am still here and I am still smiling.  Even when I am crying.

Thanks mom.  Where ever you are.  If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be where I am.

Outside

No one wants to feel unstable, or experience hopelessness, or lose their sense of spirit.  And with everything going on in Japan my nonsense makes even less sense.

There are too many bodies for the crematory to handle.  There are people searching for water, food, and their loved ones.   What is happening over there is devastating and catastrophic.  It really puts everything in perspective.  Relative or not, sometimes you have to step outside yourself.  You have to put yourself in someone else's shoes.  It's not always about us.  The world doesn't revolve around us.  And the best way to stop being about us is to be about someone or something else.

Whenever something bad happens, no one ever wants to think, "Oh that can happen to me, us, anyone, anywhere, any time."  Well guess what!?  Yes it can!

What would we do if this happened right here in our own backyard?  What would we do if we lost everything?  If there was no food, no shelter, no heat in below freezing weather?  

What would we grab?  Where would we go? Who would we try to call?  Since we are all connected, we are all affected.  It effects us on a global level.  We are fragile and we are taking advantage of the very earth we inhabit and the earth has obviously had enough.  Will it reach us here?  It already has.

The markets are falling, the global momentum supporting nuclear energy is threatened and worse, our neighbor just lost their mother, father, brother, sister.  How painful it all is.  How humbling.

In a world based in control, there is absolutely nothing we can do about the onslaught of natural disasters.  But what we can do is find a way to play a part in the relief efforts.  It's in this collaboration of energy that we will help uplift the energy of our planet and hopefully ourselves.

I'm going through life trying to make sense of all the nonsense.  But sometimes I find myself thinking f**k it, can one person really make a difference?

The answer is simple.  Yes we can.  We can make a huge difference.   And there are so many ways to help.  So I am going to just help for now.  It's all I can do.  Here are just a few ways we can be one person making a difference.


www.redcross.org/   text 50555 to donate $10.00
www.unicefusa.org
ladygagabracelet    (click link to be brought to hottopic.com)


Side note:  I am pushing the release date of the trailer.  Tomorrow I will try to post my check in number 6 but I can't promise. I can't promise much this week.  I'm in a mood.  It happens.

The Big 5

So much going on!  How is everyone doing?  There's a lot on the horizon.  March is quite eventful.

We are soon to pay homage to the death of Julius Ceasar, the Ides of March on the 15th of the month.  We will celebrate St. Patrick, a patron saint of Ireland, on the 17th, and my personal favorite, daylight savings on Sunday, March 13th.  I love when the days get longer and the sun shines brighter.  Even though the sun is closest to the earth in January, there is something to be said for Spring.  The equinox will occur on March 20th and catapult us into cleaning, socializing and showing off the time spent in the gym during the long winter months.  Or... well...  the muffin top acquired by sitting by the fire place eating oven roasted brie on baguette.

Either way, in all of the observing, the reverence, and the accolades, do not over look the most important thing to be celebrated.  YOU.  I hope March finds you happy, blissful and commemorating YOU.  Loving, adoring and uplifting YOU.  What did it take for you to get to where you are?  What are your very many accomplishments?  How many people helped you get here?  What are you going to do about it?

I'm going to keep honoring my heart and my passions and my reveries.  And by reveries I mean the daydreams.  The daydreams that I was capable of believing in so they must account for something.  For is it not true that if you can believe you can achieve?  Being one of the most quoted American inspirational writers, William Arthur Ward was on to something!  My daydreams find me helping, uplifting and encouraging as much as I can.

Mike Dooley of the TUT's Adventure Club says, "Thoughts become things! So choose the good ones".  I'm going to think my dreams right into reality.  What an adventure!

These seem like the most simplest of things but to adhere to the advise isn't always that straightforward.  But you know what?  It's kind of funny actually.  When you find you're true hearts desire and you follow it with all your might, what might have seemed impossible finds its way within your grasp!

March finds me embracing my check in number 5.

     ~  Website is under way
     ~  Doc trailer is almost ready
     ~  Financial advisor is reviewing my business plan
     ~  Final sample will arrive next week
     ~  My focus, tenacity and humility are all in tact

Are you following your dreams?

My First Query

         Determination, patience and lots and lots of research are a sounding board for accomplishment. My agile nature finds me resourceful, engaging and playful.  A huge advocate for nurturing the nature of an active mind, I love to push the envelope.  The simple act of self-motivation can summon audacious acts of feat.  Courage blankets fear.  Hope drowns sorrow.  Expectation can shield you from mediocrity.  

          What is there to be afraid of anyway?  Failure?  Foolishness?  Loss? 

          Wouldn't you be more afraid not to Succeed? Not to Flourish? Not to shine?

          Well, all I have to say to this is.  These are a few of my favorite things...

 "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud,

 was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" ~ Anais Nin

"Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" ~ Dr. Susan Jeffers

"Life is an Extravaganza so Rise to the Occasion" ~ Mr. Magorium 

          I am heeding the advise.  I am throwing caution to the wind.  I know what is in my heart now and I am going to follow my heart as far it will take me.

          I share with you here, one of my intrepid pursuits.  The base of my query letter for my first full length book.     

March, 2011

The indelible footprints of my past have left me intent on finding answers.  Is it really possible to change our life, as we know it?  To undo what has been instilled in us by verbal abuse and neglect?  To become a whole person with a second chance?

Life With One Eye Open is a completed 27,000-word self-help memoir.  A book in two parts and narrated in the first person we join a girl who is born to a life of neglect and verbal abuse.  She is taken away from her mother at age thirteen and then taken by a serial rapist later that same year.  We follow a childhood spent jumping from one bizarre situation to another and countless statistic lists.  Will she end up cloaked on the corner rustling a cup or will she find a way to make herself visible for the first time in her life?

I have spent the past 6 years making music videos and commercials.  I’ve worked with some very high-profile amazing talent but I realized I wasn’t growing and I wasn't really helping anyone or myself.  How could I make a mark on society while helping the troubled youth of America and the adult survivors of child abuse to rise above their circumstances?  I am a late bloomer and sometimes I still struggle with the past but when it rains it pours. 

An active participant in the use of social media, my blog, of the same name, Life With One Eye Open is gaining repeat viewers and a following.  I have the outline for another book also based on a true story and I have an outline and 40 pages written of a psychological thriller. 

I am in the process of fund raising for a Documentary I wrote, “Coloring Outside the Lines:  Bringing Hope to the Forgotten Child” that will bring art, music and laughter to children in the foster care system.  Our trailer is scheduled to debut March 16, 2011.  All of my endeavors are intertwined and I am in discussions with Natasha Biasell of Ivy Public Relations to launch a PR campaign for these exciting ventures.

My completed book proposal and manuscript are available upon request. 

Thank you in advance for your consideration.

Peace, Love & Light,

Pepper Carlson

    What are a few of your favorite things?  Are you going after them with all your heart?

Travels

An idea not coupled with action will never get any bigger than the brain cell it occupied.  ~Arnold Glasow

Revised check in #4 

NO - Website failure, could be at least 3 weeks away!

YES - May have an idea!  Just came to me while writing the NO above... hmm.. more to come!

Check in #4  -  NO vs. YES experiment
     Productive weekend. 
     Prepped for NY Nike job all day Saturday (and back at it this week).  Saturday night submitted another literary query package for my book. Sunday spent the whole day in edit, Sunday night submitted another literary query package. 
     ~ YES!  Final edit complete for our fund raising teaser for our documentary - will post it soon.
     ~ YES!  Website under way.  Hope to be up and running this week.
     More to come!
     Are you joining me on the journey?  How's your no vs. yes list looking?  Let me know how you're doing in your travels.

Your Essence

      When we experience negative thoughts about ourselves we are putting limitations on our growth.  We are placing ourselves in a box and closing the lid.  There can be no sun in this kind of darkness.  When we realize we are being negative we can simply choose to change our thinking.  As I have said before, even the simple act of saying the word positive can uplift our frame of mind.  Experiencing all or nothing thinking feeds the hunger of negativity.
      Our perceptions of how events effect us is rooted in our approach to life.  Our own life and the lives of others.  The worse kind of negativity is when it is projected toward others.

      Negativity • (of a person, attitude, or situation) not optimistic; harmful or unwelcome  
             • (of a statement or decision) expressing or implying denial, disagreement, or refusal 

       One way to release the binds of negativity is to come up with multiple explanations surrounding an event.  Another way is to be accountable for the part you play in the occurrences in your life.  Do you see a theme?  Do you find yourself saying the same thing but to a different recipient?  Doesn't it get old?  It must play like a broken record.  Hmm.  
      It's time to turn judgement into solution.  To let go of blame!  To be accountable.
      If you always find blame in what others are doing or not doing for you don't you think it's time for you to start figuring out what you can do for yourself or for others?  It's a lot more rewarding and when we fend for ourselves a funny thing happens.  You'll see.
      If you spend your day engaging in gossip you will find that it is you that gets left behind and eventually people won't want to be around you anymore.  That would be lonely.
      Instead of focusing on what everyone else is doing why wouldn't you figure out what you could be doing?  Giving back to the world in some way is a perfect remedy for releasing negativity and there are so many ways to get out of your own way.  Volunteer for kids, help save a whale, Clean up your street.
       If we focus on the negativity in the world negativity will find us.  And be careful because negativity breeds like cancer.  It can actually physically make you sick and I am sure it would certainly make the people around you sick.  Nothing good ever comes out of trying to inflict negativity on others.  Negativity towards others is vindictive and often stems from your own delusions.   
       Negativity may be harmful to others but it's more harmful to the person engaging it.  Another very strong case against negativity is this.  If you try to inflict negativity on others and they don't engage (and hopefully they don't), that negativity has to go somewhere.  It will find its way back to the source and it will multiply ten fold.  Eek!
      The world is a BIG place and it's chock full of amazing opportunities!  There is enough abundance to go around for all of us.  Energy is in a constant flow.  It surrounds us like the puff of a blown dandelion.  Positive energy brings ideas.  These ideas are tossed around within this energy and it is ours for consideration. 
      Let's share, let's fill our hearts and our lives with love.  Let's look at what we can do for others instead of what they can do for us, let's be examples to those around us.  Let's know that some things aren't going to work out but that others will.  Let's know that within each industry there is enough room for all of us to be allies,  let's bring our own twist, personality and approach to everything we pursue.  Let's do so with positivity. 
      If our essence becomes the good in the world the good will find us.  Do you think Microsoft and Mac hate each other?  No they coexist and they poke fun at each other in commercials.  Do you think Nike and Converse are at odds because they are both sneaker companies?  On the contrary they actually merged and created a bigger company.  Do you think authors are at odds with each other?  No!  Instead they compliment each other and put forwards and positive quotes on each others books. 

      What does your essence say about you?  

Which is It?

         3rd check in.  The last couple of days have been really long hours but it was also fun and everyone was really happy with the outcome.  Today I am at it again but I had another cool observation and I have to share. 
         Fate, coincidence, blink moment?  Accident, chance, serendipity?  On my right path?  Gifts from the Universe?  Does it matter?
         I was supposed to be in edit this morning re-cutting my documentary teaser.  Yesterday I was asked to stay on through next week in my current job which would mean working today when I was supposed to be editing.  Of course without hesitation, I agreed to stay on the job.  
        This spontaneous turn of events caused a little bit of stress. I was left mulling over the fact that I am committed to my project and the importance of the teaser.  But my intellect argued that by saying yes I was not only honoring my commitment (important) but I would have more money to put toward my project.  Hmmm.  Good point.
        I fell off to sleep with these thoughts.  Just keep thinking forward, my intention is for a perfect outcome, this is all going to work out perfectly and effortlessly.  It always does.   
        Sure enough, I woke up this morning to a message that my Director/Editor had to reschedule for tomorrow at 11.  Seriously?  Perfect!  
        I love it when this happens, these moments of being in synchronicity with the world.  I've come to some conclusions.  


1.  We should try not to stress.  For the most part, the outcome is the same anyway.  
2.  If we put it out there unconditionally, for the most part it does comes back to us.
3.  Taking risks can help us get to where we want to go.
4.  If we leap the net will appear.
5.  If we know our what, then the how will work itself out.


Alice:  I was just wondering if you could help me find my way. 
Cheshire Cat: Well that depends on where you want to get to. 
Alice: Oh, it really doesn't matter, as long as... 
Cheshire Cat: Then it really doesn't matter which way you go. 


Which way are you headed?

Duty Calls

"Without labor nothing prospers."  ~Sophocles


2nd day in the for every no we are closer to that yes experiment.


I think it was Benjamin Franklin that said, "work breeds work".  


Yesterday, a 16 hour pre-light.  


Today, 4 stages, 3 photographers, numerous sets, and the cameras will finally roll!  


Tomorrow, our final re-edit for the fund raising teaser for the documentary.  


Must continue with submissions of my query letter and proposal to more literary agents.  Did I mention my first submission received a response and they requested my manuscript?  


What magic lay ahead today?

Experiment in the Making

Wow!  How does a seed become a beautiful tree? How does a bird know that if they keep trying they will eventually fly?  How in the world did Bill Gates keep at it after thousands of failures?  I am trying to keep it in perspective.  I did some research and at least I am not alone.  I  may actually be on to something here. The epitome of an Entrepeneaur.  Failure, success, failure, failure, success, failure, success?  And Bill Gates isn't the only one. There is some really good company in the pursuit of Entrepreneurism.  Walt Disney, Jerry Kaplan, Harry Truman, and even Abraham Lincoln.  They failed before they succeeded.  They didn't give up.

Well if it's true that for every no we are closer to that yes then I should be expecting a YES to bite me in the ass any minute now!

I'm ready for it!  I've stayed focused.  I've worked really hard.  I have glued myself to my determination and then I practiced letting go of it.  I have spent a long time trying to reinvent myself and trying to raise myself  above my own odds.  

Well today I got more bad news.  One of my pursuits rejected my idea.  But of course, as is my nature, I am not defeated.  I'm going to turn this into an experiment in hopes that it keeps me encouraged and holding stead fast to my mission.  I will also try my hardest to remember to approach everything with a sense of detachment and to remember to relinquish my need for control. 

I have been embarking on many expeditions and I have hit the proverbial brick wall one too many times.  Is there ever a light at the end of the tunnel that is not an actual train?  Does persistence really buy you success?  When? How? Why not now?

Okay so not right this second.  I get it.  Patience. I am going to document all this madness and face the no's head on.  With you by my side I feel I can face anything that gets thrown at me.  Time will tell.  And I promise to acknowledge the accomplishments too.

Day 1:  The Recap.  My recent "No" vs. "Yes" list.  This is where I am now.  Let's see where this all takes me.

1. NO: Spent 16 hours a day for almost a year trying to launch a company with my sister but it fell apart and I lost my investment and my relationship with my sister (we were estranged for most of our lives anyway).

2.  YES: Finally finished my book (yay) five years in the making.  Had an editor give me notes and I am now almost done with my 2nd draft.

3.  YES: Completed my book proposal.

4.  YES: Completed my first draft of my literary query letter.

5.  YES: Wrote a documentary web series.

6.  NO: Submitted the documentary idea to Kickstarter for funding but was rejected. Didn't even get to send the teaser.

7.  YES: Shot a fund raising teaser for the documentary and will revise the edit this weekend.

To be honest when you take stock in the progress it doesn't seem as bad.  But when you're in it, it feels arduous and cumbersome. When the no's are flying around like frisbees it's hard to remember the Yes you might have gotten that morning or to believe that there could be another yes up ahead around the next corner.

The rest of this week I will be working on a job that has Annie Leibovitz (YAY!) as one of three photographers so I may not be able to check in but I will definitely share the updates as they transpire.

In the meantime I am going to get creative in my approaches and I am not going to give up.  The only way to find out is to keep moving forward.  I am going to keep asking.  And I am going to keep walking.

You coming?

Creative Expression

Perception, one of the oldest quantitative laws in psychology. Comprehension, our level of understanding.  Impression, a subconscious formation of opinion. Interpretation, a personal adaptation of explanation.  Expression, a declaration of communication.  Creativity, the opus of imagination.   

Creativity is an experience that is different for everyone.  It can be a spoken confession, a musical apology, or a danced acceptance.  Creation takes many forms and can be a written soliloquy, a spiritual prayer or a painted brighter future. 


The art of creating can lift someone out of depression, it can find laughter through tears, and success out of failure.  Creation is personal and can invoke confidence in defeat, determination out of loss, and persistence out of procrastination.


Creative expression can help us find answers to questions that are just beyond our reach.  It can help us manifest change and appreciation.  Creative expression can be silly and remind us of childhood or it can be serious and find cures for cancer.  It can create a new app for you cell phone and it can set you on a new path.


Is it possible to find the creative expression in all that we do?  Instead of going to work should we say we are going to play?  Should we decorate our play space with something that makes us smile?  I have a stack of Dr. Seuss books on my desk.  I call it my play station.  If you don't sit at a desk for work play maybe find a trinket that reminds you of something that makes you smile.  


Creative expression makes the world a better place.


Finding our happy place opens us up to creating.  Whether it be teaching a first grade class, running a fortune five hundred company or responsibility for someones hedge fund.  If we're happy, people around us will be happy and the best creation comes when we all pool together and know that team work, makes the dream work.  


What part are you playing?

Acknowledgments

Thank you.  Today say thank you to yourself.  Find as many things as you can to be thankful about.  As we approach this beautiful day let's bedazzle our moments with gratefulness.  Let's heed the advise of Mr. Magorium, "Life is an extravaganza,  so let's rise to the occasion!" 

Thankfulness makes us grateful, being grateful brings us hope, hope can make us unstoppable, being unstoppable brings miracles, miracles birth optimism, optimism embraces change, change breeds courage, courage propagates jubilation, jubilation generates surprise, surprise leads to truth, truth sprinkles the world with synchronicity.  Synchronicity creates universal peace, universal peace triggers tranquility, tranquility sparks magical moments, magical moments leave us breathless, being breathless finds us whole, being whole leaves us open to creation, creation manufactures transformations, transformations offer knowledge, knowledge gives us confidence, confidence helps us shine! Shining brightly gives us a lot to be thankful for, a lot to share with the world, and a lot to acknowledge.
What are you thankful for?

An Old Prayer, A New Day

Dear God, Universe, Higher Consciousness,

May you find it in your heart to help us find our true path.  Help the greedy to be humbled and help the poor for they are so many.  Please see us all through any times of hardship and despair.  May everyone have food on their tables, love for their children and roofs over their heads.  Though we may encounter conflict, strife or sorrow please help everyone to believe in themselves, each other and a bigger picture of possibilities.  May we lose our interest in power and instead find the joy in sharing.  May we give love to all whom we meet and extend a helping hand.  Let us know that a smile for a stranger goes a long way and a word of encouragement to a child can change the course of their future. Please let us not look down to those we perceive as below us, for we no not their circumstance. Let us remember that we are all creations of time and space and we can be gone tomorrow.  Please help us to persevere through our most challenging obstacles.  Guide us so that we may shine our light down the darkest of alleyways.  Please assist us on our path so that we may offer opportunities to those who are less fortunate.   Please help corporate America restructure to create more jobs.  May you have faith in us that we may have faith in ourselves.  Please channel your energy through us so that we may be pathfinders for the future, proper guidance for the youth, and patience for the old that may have forgotten who they are.  Please help the leaders of the world.  Help them lead by example by pursuing peace, help them turn the global economy around, and please assist us so that the lands of war may find peace.  Please help us all help each other so that we may get through these arduous times and uplift the energy on a level of global consciousness.  May we all find peace, love, good health and prosperity.  May we wake each morning with love in our hearts, smiles on our faces, encouragement in our words and sincerity in our souls.  

May we disparage fear from our lives and evolve consciously as a whole.  Please help us to experience love, compassion and empathy toward our fellow man, woman and child.  Help us to greet each day with love in our hearts, be the master of our emotions, know we are nature's greatest miracle, and to live each day as if it were our last. 

With undeniable faith, I ask this for all of us in gratitude...

Amen, Namaste, Thank You,


~Pepper

Be Free

I know my Venting entry yesterday was a bit self-absorbed.  But I was really frustrated.  I was angry at the world, my past, my present, and me!  I know my New York pace and tenacity leave me breathless.  I get in my own way.  I'm working on it.  I am looking within.  I am trying to figure out why my petals aren't blossoming.

In the struggle for control comes infallible dissolution.  The constant proverbial brick wall leaves bruises but it's time to take off the bandages, sit my ass down and let go.  Let go of the need to be in control.  Free myself from the ties that bind me.  Take a deep breath and release the fears of my many lives.

I couldn't understand why things just weren't going my way.  And after endless hours of pacing and walking around the Marina I realized I am always left saying the same thing.  I am always somehow just shy of the finish line!  Even with my writing.  I wrote poetry because they were short and easy to finish, while my book lay in wait for years.

I was so moved by my epiphany that what I was experiencing was bigger than me, that I got on the phone and I sent for reinforcements!  Another huge step in the right direction.  Asking for help when I know I can't do it alone.

Keeping the adventure alive it would seem only fitting that I travel far away for answers.  From the comfort of my own home I set out to befriend some solutions.  Solutions from a past long forgotten but hovering just below my surface.  While the past can fill us with many misconceptions it can also enlighten us to the things we hold on to.  With the help of Jusstine Kenzer (http://www.psychicgirl.com/), a psychic healer, I was guided through a series of exercises.

Now I know a lot of you are reading this thinking what?  A psychic, oh please!

Well sometimes you get to a place in your life where you will try anything to move forward, to let go of whatever limiting beliefs you have placed on yourself.  And actually, being a lover of arcane subjects anyway, when the moment hit me that I knew I needed help, it was the first thing I thought of.  For me, this wasn't about being told what to expect, it was the "healing part" that attracted me.

There where things that she told me that I had been told before so I wasn't surprised.  But sometimes it's not enough to "know" things.  Sometimes the awareness can keep us right where we are if we don't know how to release the clasps that are keeping us stuck.

No one ever walked me through exercises to change the energy around me.  This was new.  This was exactly what I needed.  And while I don't know how it works or if it even worked at all, I do know that today I feel much lighter.  I feel freer.  And I am approaching the days to do list with a new found sense of freedom.  I don't feel so attached to the "how".  And since I already know the "why" I don't need to ask.

If there has been a cosmic shift time will tell.  I look forward to the reveal but for now I shall just be.  I shall let my life be what it's supposed to be.  We can't control what happens to us but we can set ourselves in the right direction and trust that when we are on our right path the world will give us what we ask of it.

I asked for freedom.

What are you asking for?

Venting

Repeating patterns and setting myself up for the fall.  It's a good thing I'm living life these days turned upside down.

I recognize the motif of the silence in the room, a play-pen unattended and you're sleeping in a tomb.

Thank God for persistence and undeniable faith, or it would be easy to walk away reliving countless falls from grace.

No one can let you down if you don't allow them to hold you up.  Just ask the guy at the street light rustling his cup.

Every obstacle comes with stepping stones just watch where you walk.  Know misguided intentions and know who to trust.

Getting to the bottom of it all I must find the crux, or I fear I shall find myself in a constant state of flux.

Music plays and cars pass by, a never ending symphony of life lessons and good-byes.

The rain falls willingly and renders me awake, it's time to regroup for everybody's sake.

Stop the second guessing and letting others hold you back, be patient and tenacious, focus on the tasks.

A meeting of minds in hopes of letting go, of the past twenty years of reliving all I know.

An undeniable conviction that if I leap the net will appear.

One can only hope.