Just Enough Rainbows

      On shoot day 1 of 2 and it's time for lunch.  I've been missing writing on a daily basis but duty calls.  There are just not enough hours in the day to fit it all in.

      My journey does have me skipping.  My no vs. yes experiment is still underway and persistence really does breed success.  I hope you are still rigorously but patiently pursuing your no vs. yes experiment too!

      Sitting here on location amidst the dust and the chaos I have had another one of my moments.  A really great moment while checking in with myself.  In the brief silence I allotted myself I found a smile.  A deep rooted, to the core, feeling pretty good, like what I see, kind of smile.

      I realized I haven't experienced any sorrow and there haven't been any tears.  I realize that some people really are crazy makers and bullies and manipulative.  I also realize that I can stand up for myself, walk away when I feel like it and I don't have to grieve that which is lost.   And the simple truth is, people will always show their true colors.  So wouldn't you want your true colors to be that of a rainbow?

      All this time spent with patience is really agreeing with me.  I'm learning so much about myself and how the world moves around me and how other people sometimes get lost in the wind.  How sometimes I get lost in the moment and how we all react instead of taking a breath and letting the moment unfold organically.  Sometimes things are not what they seem.

      I found another key that promises to open many doors.  Happiness.  It has alluded me for too long.  It has taken me a long time to figure out what the happy people know.  I have found my version of happiness in the present moment and the more I stay in the moment the happier I am.

      Happy enough that I presume that maybe my life of tears humbled me just enough.  My life of fear gave me just enough courage.  My life of humility gave me just enough awareness and my life of tears gave me just enough rainbows.

      My happy finds me thankful and honoring the memories, the moments and the tears that got me here.

It starts with a single droplet of water

Like that of a summer rain

I must surrender to the waters will

It comes out of nowhere and calls my name.

My body responds voluntarily in surrender

The beckoning call a much needed release

As the water makes its claim on me

My body shakes for inner peace

Memories flood my mind

As my steps I now retrace

The water flowing freely

And I yield to its embrace

An attempt at laughter and I

Am at the point of no return

I freely relinquish all control

And leave it to my heart to discern

It can start with an onion

And the effects on the eyes

As I peel away at the layers

I am left with no disguise

It can begin with a lullaby

Sparking memories of the past

A childhood left to no one

And praying the pain would never last

A remembrance of my mother

Her singing fills my mind

A soul lost to happen stance

Who chose to leave this world behind

The grief from mistakes I’ve made

Fall around me like a house of cards

As I have spent most of my years

Behind my self made wall of disregard

The waves are finally crashing over me

As my body relinquishes its control

Giving in to the convulsions of sobs

The only way I can be made whole

In humility I shall shed my tears

Embracing all that they bear within

An inner knowledge and wisdom

That only life experience can bring

Tears come in many forms

Maybe too many to comprehend

But I am always thankful for the visit

Like the comfort of a long lost friend

Just like when all of the water from a rain

Brings the gift of the brightest rainbow

I am always grateful to my tears because

I can see my life through their open window

The Bridge (small excerpt from my book)

The 3rd draft of my book is complete and I have been sharing it sparingly for feedback.  My notes have been amazing and I am very excited with the results.   I have, however, found myself needing a way to connect the two parts without it being two totally separate books.  I thought I would test it out here... Let me know what you think.  Feedback is welcomed.

            Yes.  The first half of my life left me breathless subdued and emotionally crippled.  With no comedic reprieve, the stories were hard to read and the situations unfathomable.  But I did tell you in the beginning that the events I would share were not the happy ones. 

            In my face of adversity lie my laugh lines.  I see them now.  As life progressed, I needed to know which ones to embrace and which ones to cover up with as much make up as possible.  But we all know that cover up will wash away with a little soap and water.

            In the context of my existence, it was these unfortunate events that brought me to a place strong enough to go back through the rubble of my train wreck.  After many failed attempts of putting the pieces back together I finally made my way over the bridge. 

            I believe that everything happens for a reason.  If it weren’t for everything that happened to me, I wouldn’t know all of what else I am about to tell you.  The following chapters are meant to make you think.   You are with me on this journey for a reason.   You relived my past with me because it is time to right the wrongs and release the chains that bind us.  This isn’t just for me.  It’s for you too.  The need to share, learn and hypothesize over the events to make life better, stronger and sustainable is irrevocable.  My story is far from over.  But on this side of the water across the bridge from where I came from, it sounds so much different.   The why's have finally been replaced with now what.  It's time for change.

Flight Plan

So many people come from broken homes or face tragedy at an early age.  Some of us, both.  How is it that some people are crippled by it while others rise above it?  How is it that I am one of the latter?  I am now more than ever convinced that I have lived this life because it was this life that brought me here. 

I received news last year that my life as I thought I knew it was a lie.  That the woman I called mother did not actually give birth to me.  About a month ago a friend of the family tried to explain more about this story but I dismissed it like a case without evidence. What else could I possibly hear, see or find out that might threaten to ruin me?  What's done is done.  Whatever gets thrown my way now is just going to have to take a number and wait for a turn to affect me that may never come.  I have had so many outrageous things happen to me, that as a teenager I used to think I must have been a mass murderer in a past life.  I mean how else could I justify the horrifying events that happen to me throughout my life?

Well it is only natural that my thoughts try to get the best of me sometimes.  To remind me of the unanswered uncertainties of my life.  They threaten my intention with disenchantments of sadness, and isolation.  But I have the power to chose another path.  We all do.  And of course I have something to say about it.

Some people seem to be born like the birds that take flight for the winter.   They know instinctually where they're going and which direction they are headed.   They even know how they're going to get there and what they will do when they reach that destination.

We weren't all born with the wings of a beautiful bird.   And I know that first hand.   If you're like me and have felt at times that you were born with your wings clipped, you are not alone. It is never to late to believe in the impossible.

Have faith.   Have faith in your own dream, in your direction, your purpose.    In order to find our way we must first know ourselves.   And knowing ourselves is no easy task.   It may very well be the hardest journey that we ever embark upon.    But don't fear.   It's through knowing ourselves that we will find our way.  

The flight will be long and sometimes even tumultuous but the farther we spread our wings, the higher we will soar.   Don't second guess your direction.    Just keep your head high and believe in your dream.   It's our dreams that keep us alive and our instincts that will take us there.   Listen to your life.   It has a lot to say.  

When we find our passion and we follow it with all our might, we become unstoppable.   It's when everything in life becomes synchronistic.   When everything falls into place you are on your right path. You are a bird who can fly and your wings (broken or not) can take you on the journey of your choice.

A friend recently referenced "the committee".   The voices that try so hard to make themselves heard and try to keep us from our goals, our dreams, our destiny.   It's at these times that we must have the most faith in ourselves.   To make our own Voice the one we listen too.   We have to use and trust our inner voice.   Our intuition.   Our gut.   Our instincts.

Move toward all that uplifts and energizes you, move away from that which drains you.   Follow your dream no matter what anyone says. Don't give them the power to change your course of action or to second-guess your flight plan.

If you are distracted, and you will be, take a breath.   Check where you are.   Think of what you can learn from it and move on with that new knowledge.   It's a learning process and we have to trust in it. This is how we will grow. By seizing each moment (good or bad) as the ever-present gift.

So, like a bird taking flight for the winter, allow the wings of your angels to guide you to your inner passion.   Challenge your "self" to live with purpose.   To spread your wings...and soar!