Once upon a time I knew first hand what it was like to let the world get the best of me. Let the world get the best of me? Doesn’t that sound so BIG? No wonder I felt small and insignificant. In the schematic my mind had drawn for me, how could I not feel small?
So there were days when I made the world shrink down to my size. My comfort zone was a small space in the center of my bed under two layers of blankets. I would lay there as if in a body size igloo. I would lay there for days. Sometimes four days straight. Barely eating and barely breathing with only my tears to keep me company.
So many lost days, missed opportunities and sunsets unseen.
One day not long after my mother died I hit my proverbial rock bottom. I fell out of bed onto the floor and I just lay there. I had a vision of laying in my own proverbial gutter. I could feel the dirty musty water against my face and I could smell every bad thing that ever happened to me wafting out of that water. I was stuck. I was paralyzed as the gutter held me like ratchet straps and all I could do was lay there.
I had nothing left. It was over. I wasn’t even sure if I was breathing. So I gave in. In that moment of terrorized paralysis I gave myself over to whatever higher power would take me. In a silent whisper I asked for help. For the first time in my life I truly and unconditionally prayed for my own salvation.
The next thing I knew a hand came out of nowhere reaching for me, helping me out of the proverbial gutter and lifting me back up into consciousness. I could feel the presence of something greater than me. Someone lifted me off the floor that day but I was sitting by myself with tear stains on my face staring at the floor beneath my feet as I was now sitting on my bed.
I have never forgotten that day. And I have never again sought the comfort of my blanket igloo. It was time to change. Time to step into my own life and view my world as it was meant to be viewed or measured. To make it a life worth living.
One of the hardest things in the world is to admit when your life isn’t working. It is said that we do the same things again and again even if it hurts us or depletes us because it is all we know. So the payoff (even the painful ones) are still payoffs. I don’t know about you but this sounds to me like the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. Well, it’s time for a different outcome.
The outcomes of our lives are born from our choices. The choices that we make about how we want things to go. We choose to give up or to persevere. We choose to be afraid of heights and we choose to love deep sea diving. We choose which path we will walk and we choose which songs we will dance too. We choose who to love and sometimes we choose to let love choose for us.
We are constantly making choices whether we realize it or not. Consciously and subconsciously in every moment we are making a choice about something. About everything.
The key is to take control of your choices thus taking control of your life. And how do we do this? Just think! Think before we speak. Think before we react. Think before we make our choices.
I find myself making a lot of choices. The choice to communicate better, to take care of my body, and to be optimistic in my intentions. The choice to live my life to my true potential, to help people see that they are not alone in their struggles, and to live a life without drama. My choices are filled with love. But, I have also made the choice to respect my sadness and not let it get the best of me. I have made the choice to listen more than I speak and my choice to learn life’s lessons keeps me very busy indeed. My choice to share with others and to be humble but determined is invigorating. My choice to make a difference is challenging but I embrace it. My choice to care leaves me vulnerable but I am okay with that now. My choice to ask for help if I need it is a scary prospect but I shall fear the fear and do it anyway. My outcome is my definitive commitment to know that I always have a choice.
© 2010
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