Self-Presveration

The weak can never forgive. 

 Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. 
                                                                                                                             ~Mohandas Gandhi 

Another dip, turn, bend, slow decent on the roller coaster and it seems to be never-ending. The vulnerability forgets what was said yesterday and can't seem to see the future.  All in one fell-swoop the negativity came and carried me away on it's magic carpet. The stress of it all has found me physically ill as proof that, that which we don't deal with emotionally will manifest itself physically.

But once we let go physically, comprehension follows. Through the childlike sobs of my yesterday, I gave in to the cleansing that can only happen when ones gives them self over implicitly.  

The tears started falling as I pulled up to my street and as the car door closed behind me I knew I wasn't going to be able to hold on.  The depression was too much for me to handle and the sobs that followed would eventually make me laugh but not before they would have me surrender to my truths. Out loud I voiced my fears. I admitted what hurt. I confessed that some things were beyond my control. I let the tears take me. I let go.

I've had to walk on eggshells for most of my life.  Tiptoeing around the possibility that one false move or breath would disrupt the quiet that often claimed our household.  A brilliant but sometimes volatile entity at the helm of our clan taught me that I have no tolerance for bullies and yet they are everywhere. And no matter how hard we try, for some, nothing we do will ever be good enough.

With acknowledgment comes a lesson. We really do surround ourselves with that which we know and if we don't figure out how to rise above the vibrational level of the pattern we will find ourselves stuck on the ride going around in circles.

There's only so much we can do before we resign ourselves to the admission that a quest on principle alone will lead to disappointment. Some people will go to any lengths to win. Some people don't know that not everything has to be a fight. I happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Again.

I have fought most of life just to survive and I don't want to fight anymore. My tears have taught me well. I'm done fighting. It's not even my fight anyway.

If my self-preservation has taught me anything, it is that everything really does happen for a reason and this too shall pass.




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