In retrospect

I've been stuck in my head and lost in my thoughts for much of the day. I was able to focus on my work but my intuition screamed that news was coming.  When I got home from the office the phone rang and the news came and I don't really want to talk about it. Somethings? Somethings you just can't change or do anything about.  I mean really.  What could I possibly do about something that was done when I was born and kept from me all these years?  What am I supposed to do with this information now?  Is my life as I know it going to change?  Nope. 

So I will try to use the information eventually to make sense of some events but that's me and that's a given.  I will always try to make sense of the nonsense.   Maybe I should cry or cry out or something, but I just don't feel like it.  There are no tears.  But it's not that there never were.  There have been tears in all shapes and sizes and lengths of time over so many different things.  Enough tears that I honored them with an ode.

It starts with a single droplet of water

Like that of a summer rain

I must surrender to the waters will

It comes out of nowhere and calls my name. 

My body responds in surrender

The beckoning call a much needed release

As the water takes its claim on me

My body shakes for inner peace

Memories flood my mind

As my steps I now retrace

The water flowing freely

And I yield to its embrace

An attempt at laughter and I

Am at the point of no return

I freely relinquish all control

And leave it to my heart to discern

It can start with an onion

And the effects on the eyes

As I peel away at the layers

I am left with no disguise

It can begin with a lullaby

Sparking memories of the past

A childhood left to no one

And praying the pain would never last

A remembrance of my mother

Her singing fills my mind

A soul lost to happen stance

Who chose to leave this world behind

The grief from mistakes I’ve made

Fall around me like a house of cards

As I have spent most of my years

Behind my self made wall of disregard

The waves are crashing over me

And bares my very soul

Giving in to the fit of sobs

The humility makes me whole

In this humility I shall shed my tears

Embracing all they hold within

An inner knowledge and wisdom

That only life experience can bring

Tears come in many forms

Maybe too many to comprehend

But I am always thankful for the visit

Like the comfort of a long lost friend

Just like when all of the water from a rain

Brings the gift of the brightest rainbow

I am always grateful to my tears because

I can see my life through their open window

© 2010