Okay it's official, I am a lamb chop. As much as I hate to admit it, I do have feelings. I am not the strong, knights shield of armor, New York tough girl, exterior shell I show to the world. I am susceptible to harm, I get sad, and my feelings get hurt.
Sometimes I am lost, I lack direction, and I go in plain old circles. Sometimes my friends hurt my feelings, I feel left out or I am just breathing through the denial. I am vulnerable. Eek! The V word! Once upon a time I couldn't even say the word vulnerable. To me the V word was the equivalent to most peoples L word. But here goes. I am trying something new. Humble Admissions.
I am convinced that we attract that which we know. If we are not careful we will find ourselves creating situations that prove us right. We will keep repeating our patterns and we won't be able to get off the hamster wheel.
These confessions are not casting blame. They will come out very one sided but that's good! This journey is about us anyway right? No one has to see the list you make. And you certainly shouldn't have to defend it. We each have our own story. We have our perception of how we are affected by our relationships and they may differ from everyone else in the room.
You see, we react to things based on our own knowledge, feelings and upbringing. What might make you feel bad might make someone else laugh. What might scare you could be invigorating to others. But the work we do with ourselves should be open, raw and life changing. Have you ever been hurt by something or someone but shrugged it off? How often do you that?
I guess the truth of the matter is, if you show one side of you to the world then that's who the world will think you are. I was talking to one of my friends one day, after one of my other friends hurt my feelings pretty badly. While I was explaining what happened, I got triggered. All of a sudden I started talking about all these scenarios of how our friends had left me out of things over the years or did wrong by me in some way even though I included them when they needed it most. I started sobbing so hard that I ran to my room, slammed the door, sat on my floor against my bed and sobbed into my hands.
I had another one of my many why me's, how many more tears can there be kind of moments. My friend opened the door, my puppy came running into my room, jumped on my lap and started licking my face. Of course, I started laughing. And apparently, from the look on her face, I scared my friend which made laugh even harder. She had never seen me cry. To her, I was the description above of all the things I am not.
I finally realize something else too. The people that care about us don't hurt us on purpose (well we hope not). They are acting toward us the way they are. Chances are highly likely that they are not aware of what they are doing. How can they be? They don't have our same perceptions. We can't take it personally. If it hurts, feel the pain. Cry it out or work out or do whatever it is you do to feel better. Find the place of love in your heart and forgive them and forgive yourself and move on. Even if it's without them. Do whatever is best for you.
Challenging myself to be this humble has been the hardest thing I have ever done. It's actually been physically uncomfortable for me. When you spend your life behind your façade of protection it is scary as hell to step out from beyond the veil.
But I am doing this. You with me? Every time we do something it gets easier. Things are only scary if we've never done them before.
What are you too scared to admit?