I know my Venting entry yesterday was a bit self-absorbed. But I was really frustrated. I was angry at the world, my past, my present, and me! I know my New York pace and tenacity leave me breathless. I get in my own way. I'm working on it. I am looking within. I am trying to figure out why my petals aren't blossoming.
In the struggle for control comes infallible dissolution. The constant proverbial brick wall leaves bruises but it's time to take off the bandages, sit my ass down and let go. Let go of the need to be in control. Free myself from the ties that bind me. Take a deep breath and release the fears of my many lives.
I couldn't understand why things just weren't going my way. And after endless hours of pacing and walking around the Marina I realized I am always left saying the same thing. I am always somehow just shy of the finish line! Even with my writing. I wrote poetry because they were short and easy to finish, while my book lay in wait for years.
I was so moved by my epiphany that what I was experiencing was bigger than me, that I got on the phone and I sent for reinforcements! Another huge step in the right direction. Asking for help when I know I can't do it alone.
Keeping the adventure alive it would seem only fitting that I travel far away for answers. From the comfort of my own home I set out to befriend some solutions. Solutions from a past long forgotten but hovering just below my surface. While the past can fill us with many misconceptions it can also enlighten us to the things we hold on to. With the help of Jusstine Kenzer (http://www.psychicgirl.com/), a psychic healer, I was guided through a series of exercises.
Now I know a lot of you are reading this thinking what? A psychic, oh please!
Well sometimes you get to a place in your life where you will try anything to move forward, to let go of whatever limiting beliefs you have placed on yourself. And actually, being a lover of arcane subjects anyway, when the moment hit me that I knew I needed help, it was the first thing I thought of. For me, this wasn't about being told what to expect, it was the "healing part" that attracted me.
There where things that she told me that I had been told before so I wasn't surprised. But sometimes it's not enough to "know" things. Sometimes the awareness can keep us right where we are if we don't know how to release the clasps that are keeping us stuck.
No one ever walked me through exercises to change the energy around me. This was new. This was exactly what I needed. And while I don't know how it works or if it even worked at all, I do know that today I feel much lighter. I feel freer. And I am approaching the days to do list with a new found sense of freedom. I don't feel so attached to the "how". And since I already know the "why" I don't need to ask.
If there has been a cosmic shift time will tell. I look forward to the reveal but for now I shall just be. I shall let my life be what it's supposed to be. We can't control what happens to us but we can set ourselves in the right direction and trust that when we are on our right path the world will give us what we ask of it.
I asked for freedom.
What are you asking for?