But I am thankful that these days I don't give in. I am a fighter. I am stronger than the disparaging voices of my past and although the damage is done, I can be my own woman and lift myself up and away from whatever discriminating mother voice tries to conquer me.
This weekend was very emotional for me. The past couple of weeks have been very emotional. Well hell, my whole life has been very emotional! But I keep getting up brushing myself off and trudging forward. I have things to accomplish, time to make up for, and people to help.
Helping others helps me. I've always known that I wanted to give back in some way. I want to help kids that have been faced with my same past. I want to help them rise above it. I am more passionate about this mission then I am about anything in my life right now. I don't want kids to grow up with my struggles.
There is only so much I can do and I know that. But one of the things I realized I can do is to take what I know and apply it to what I can do.
Some friends and I are launching a company that will bring art, music and happiness to kids of all ages. I come from a production background. It's what I know. So I figured out a way to combine my loves.
Over the weekend we shot a teaser for my documentary. We are going to bring art, music and new shoes to kids in the system. Staggering numbers of abused kids are entering into foster care. Kids that have and are experiencing verbal abuse and neglect. They need to know laughter. They need our help.
After we wrapped shooting the teaser I was sitting here by myself and the questioning started. The tears found me and the voice of my past had me second guessing myself. I had thoughts of giving up. I thought my idea would never work. blah, blah, blah... The voice of a mother who had no faith in me.
I haven't indulged in what I call my Sunday night trash TV in a long time. But three times throughout my day yesterday something kept telling me to watch these two shows.
This is going to sound silly to you perhaps but not to me. To me I was given huge gifts! Huge gifts that tell me that I am on my right path. Something I have come to call God Winks based on the book by Squire Rushnell. Messages from someone somewhere that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and that I am getting better and listening to my positive receptors.
The first show had one of the lead characters facing her past of how she was abused as a child. The second show had one of the couples interviewing at a foster care company.
I went to bed knowing that what I am doing is going to help them and help me and today the world is a better place because of it.
The signs are everywhere. If we just look for them.
Are you looking out for your signs?
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